Date: Wed, 19 Oct 2011 10:49:20 +0100 From: Kyro Clark Subject: Glitter and Trauma Chapter 11 ============================================================================== Disclaimer. This story is a work of fiction although it is loosely based on the real life experiences of the author. This story contains graphical depictions of sexual contact between two adult males. This story also contains harsh language or swearing and depicts scenes of alcohol and drug use. It should not be read by anyone where it is illegal to read such material and should not be read by anyone under the age of 18. The author retains the copyright, and any other rights to this story. This story may not be published, copied or redistributed in any way without the explicit consent of the author. ============================================================================= Authors note. Hey! As usual I want to start off by saying thanks to everyone for all the feedback. My brother, in all his infinite wisdom, fractured his leg (idiot! :D) and as such, for the past 2 weeks, he's taken up refuge in my room with my 360 and my Sky+. This has made it impossible to write or post or even answer emails, he's at the doctors at the moment but he'll be back soon so I'll make this brief, he's supposedly getting his cast removed soon and hopefully will be back to work next week which will make writing a hell of a lot easier. I'll do my best to answer any emails I get in any spare time that I have but there is a chance that I won't be able to get back to some (or most) people until next week. This doesn't mean I'm ungrateful (far from it) but it's just a matter of circumstances at the moment. Thanks again to Guy for all his hard work editing this! Send any feedback to: kyro3@hotmail.co.uk Thanks in advance :D ============================================================================= RECAP: I walked into the living room behind Alex; John was sitting on the couch with Alex standing behind him. I walked over to the pile of towels, took one, and began vigorously rubbing my hair. The warmth from the towel radiated through my hair and warmed my face. "Friday night, eight o'clock," John said. I stopped drying my hair and looked round at John, did he mean what I think he meant? "What?" I questioned. "Ryan said he'll be ready for eight on Friday night. I think you'd do well not to be late." I stood looking at John and then I looked up to Alex. He was grinning madly at me and giving me the thumbs up behind John's back. I picked up another towel and then walked back to my room, I sat on the edge of my bed, still soaking, perplexed at what had happened. Hadn't Ryan been totally unresponsive to me on Sunday? Why the change of heart? Was he even gay? I shook my head confused as I stared at my fish, "OK, I've got another head fuck for you lot." ================================================================================= Glitter & Trauma Chapter 11 - Three strikes. By Kyro I gave my armpit a nervous sniff; it still smelled like the clean, sharp deodorant I'd applied earlier. I quickly put a chewing gum in my mouth to avoid bad breath or a dry mouth. I surveyed myself, my white Converse shone bright and clean at the bottom of my red skinny jeans and I adjusted my white t-shirt so that it sat squarely on my shoulders. "Here goes," I muttered to myself. I knocked on the door to the flat. There was a deafening silence as I waited for some indication that someone was coming to answer. I began chomping my gum in a more exaggerated way as I waited nervously. Maybe this was the plan? Maybe Ryan didn't want to go out with me? Maybe he just wanted to fuck with me? Maybe no one was home? I knocked on the door again, this time much louder. I heard feet scuffling from the other side of the door and then... nothing. Suddenly the door opened and behind it stood Ryan. He was wearing his trademark grey skinny jeans and a dark grey t- shirt with a pair of brand new looking white high-tops. "Hi," I said looking up to him. "Hey," he smiled sheepishly. There was a moment of silence as we both stood staring at one another, "Is - is... that for me?" "What?" I asked. He nodded his head towards my stomach; I looked down and remembered that I was holding a book. "Shit, yeah, it's for you," I said pushing it forward and blushing slightly at my own stupidity. "It's the first one in the series, I hope you like it." Ryan brushed his hand over the cover and smiled, "I've wanted this for ages but just haven't found time to pick it up, thanks," he smiled. I could feel myself blushing again; John told me that Ryan wanted this book so it wasn't a complete stab in the dark, though Ryan didn't need to know that. "Two seconds while I put this in my room." He disappeared behind the door and then reappeared a few moments later, "Ready?" he asked. "Yep, let's do this." "So eh... where are we going exactly?" he asked as we began descending the steps towards the flats lobby. I smiled, "Knockhill." A smile crept across Ryan's usually indiscernible face, "Seriously? We're going Go-Karting? Oh man I've always been desperate to go round a real race track." "I thought you'd like it." I smiled inwardly to myself; John may also have mentioned that Ryan had been desperate to give it a try, another conversation Ryan needn't know about. "Wow, this is gonna be awesome," he said while we walked to the end of the street, "Just hold up while I lift some money." "No no no no no no no! You don't need money, this one's on me." "But I've still gotta pay for my ride and stuff." I shook my head, "This one's on me, besides, the Go-Karting has all been paid for." "Oh..." "What?" I asked apprehensively. "Nothing." "What?" I asked, again a little apprehensively. I was doing my utmost to make sure this night went smoothly. "Nothing, how are we gonna get to Knockhill?" "We can grab a taxi from the bus station." "Cool," he said nodding his head slightly. We began walking towards the bus station and the nearest taxi rank, it wasn't far and we weren't in a rush so we walked at a leisurely pace. I noticed Ryan had his hands in his pockets as usual and could see a green and grey chequer sweatband around his wrist again, why does he always wear those? Walking alongside him made me feel self-conscious about my body and my actions, especially my hands. It felt as if they were just flailing around at my side. "So I didn't see you in uni much this week," Ryan said. "Erm... yeah, I wasn't well at the start of the week, feeling better now though." It was startling how easy it was becoming to lie to people. But telling him that I went to pieces after another relationship with someone (albeit a pretty young friendship) went to the wall seemed like something he didn't need to know. "Good, good," he nodded. "So do you, Danny, Rebecca, and Louise all live together?" I asked. "Just me, Danny and Rebecca," he smiled. "So what's it like living with John and Alex?" "Not bad," I nodded honestly. "They sorta acknowledge that everyone needs their own space which is good." "So no fights for the TV then?" Ryan smiled. "No, no fights; I'm pretty sure I'd win though if there was one," I smiled. Ryan sniggered. "What? Are you saying I can't handle myself?" "I never said a word." "But you mocked, you snickered." "I didn't, honest," Ryan said trying to suppress a grin. I narrowed my eyes at him jokingly as we crossed the street and entered the bus station. There wasn't a queue at the taxi rank so I walked up to the first taxi and opened the door, standing aside and looking at Ryan, "After you." A small smile formed on his face and I'm sure his face began to redden as he stepped into the taxi. I stepped in after him, slammed the door shut with a dull thud and sat down on something that crinkled under my weight. "Shit," I said as I reached into my back pocket, "To Knockhill please, driver." "What are you doing?" Ryan smirked as I fished in my back pocket for what I had sat on. "Nothing," I said pulling a pack of cigarettes out of my back pocket and hastily trying to stuff them into my front left pocket away from Ryan's line of sight. "You smoke?" Ryan suggested rather than accused. Shit, what must he think of me now? "No... yes ... sort of ... not really," I said scrunching my face up. Nice one, that was about as clear as mud; he must think I've got mental problems after the way I answered that question. "I don't smoke usually, I hardly ever smoke in fact, but sometimes when I get really stressed, I have a smoke. Just one or two a day, I'm not really a smoker," I said trying to convince him. "What's got you stressed?" "This night out," I shot back, half shocked that it wasn't obvious. As soon as I said it I wanted to take it back, I moved my hand up from my side and rubbed my forehead. Why couldn't I just shut my mouth? Now he is going to think that organising this was a burden but I didn't mean it like that. I was just really nervous about tonight, especially after the last fiasco. "Why are you stressed about tonight? If you can't afford tonight, I don't mind paying my share." "Don't be -" I paused for a minute and scrunched up my face as I absorbed what he just said. "You think I can't afford tonight?" "No, that's not what I meant," Ryan said hurriedly, "I just thought that that may have been the reason you were stressed." I swallowed hard and stared straight at the head of the taxi driver in front of me. Did I really come across as poor? I moved my left hand behind my back and made a fist as an outlet for my annoyance. My mind flashed back to earlier today when I'd had Alex show me how to use the washing machine and washed some of my clothes. I spent about an hour scrubbing and cleaning my Converse until they looked new and I even went and bought a new t-shirt just for tonight. It cost £14 and wasn't exactly a designer label but I thought it looked nice. When I was in the city centre buying the t-shirt I even got my hair cut and re-dyed, something Ryan hadn't seemed to notice. I showered, shaved and got the guy in the hairdressers to straighten my hair for tonight as I didn't own a pair of straighteners. This was me pretty much at my best, and apparently I still came across as poor. I swallowed hard again, Ryan's words had annoyed me at first, but they had done much more than that, they had disarmed me. I felt my stomach lurch and my limbs become heavy as the reality of tonight set in. Did he think I needed his charity? Was he here just to humour me? Maybe he really was straight and the kiss was just an experiment or something? "Are you alright?" "I'm fine," I said in a high pitch voice unlike my own. "I didn't mean to offend y - " "You didn't," I cut across him, "We're here." I feigned a smile and, after I paid for the taxi, we walked into an old warehouse. The front part had been converted into a shop with a cash-desk selling various components for race cars and Go-Karts. The other half was crammed full of Go-karts of every colour and size. Once we signed in we took a seat in the reception area, waiting to be assigned our Karts. "The tracks out at the back, isn't it?" Ryan asked. "Yeah." A moment of silence passed by, "I'm really sorry for what I said." "Don't be, honestly, it's fine," I said far more convincingly. "You seem annoyed." "This is just me getting my game face on for the track." That joke seemed to do the trick as Ryan cracked a smile. The corners of my mouth twitched slightly in response but his smile didn't have the same effect that it usually had on me. We both got set up with our Karts and got taken out onto the starting grid; there were quite a few people on the race track beside us, maybe twelve which should make for an interesting race. We lined up side by side and as the guy waved the chequered flag indicating we could go, the unmistakable sound of revving Go-Kart engines filled the night as we tore round corner after corner. I'm a pretty competitive person, so even though I was out on this so-called 'date' or whatever it is, I wasn't going to let Ryan win. To my shock though, Ryan was really good, I knew he didn't have his driving license and John had told me he had never been on a track before so I expected him to be playing dodgems with the crash barriers, but he wasn't; he was always just in front or just behind me. Thankfully though, they ended the first session just after I overtook Ryan. I had been behind him for five or six laps and managed to pass him on what turned out to be the last lap of the first session. We were put back onto the starting grid with Ryan lined up right beside me again. Our tanks were filled up again as some people came and went. "You were a lucky boy there, I hope you've got your game face on again, cause I'm just starting to get the feel of this," he said, massaging the steering wheel of the Go-Kart. Jesus, was he taunting me? I'd never had any banter with Ryan before, this was a first. "I saw your driving there, I don't need my game face; it shouldn't take much to beat you again." I saw Ryan dart forward and heard the engines rev all around me, the race had started when I was trash talking Ryan! I lost five places immediately but fought hard to make them up. After the half hour was over, I came in behind Ryan. "Easy pickings!" Ryan mocked before he sighed heavily, "My prowess on the race track would give the great Schumacher a run for his money." "That head of yours would give Beavis and Butthead a run for their money," I teased back. "Remember who won the first race," I winked at him. There was no mistaking it this time; he blushed copiously before he started to walk towards the door. "That was awesome. The best night out I've had in ages!" Ryan beamed. It was strange to see Ryan so relaxed and out-going, he was usually really shy and reserved; surely this comfortableness is a sign that tonight is going well? But I couldn't help but notice he used the words, 'night out' and not date. I did the same thing earlier as I wasn't sure if he was here as a date or as a friend. I thought back to the conversation I had with Ryan back at his flat and I had definitely asked him to come out with me on a date. "Ready to get something to eat?" I asked apprehensively. "Em... yeah, sure." "Cool, this way." Just around the corner from Knockhill was a massive outdoor shopping complex with a nice, laid back, casual restaurant. Restaurant - that's what I had always called it, but it wasn't a restaurant, it was somewhere between a restaurant and a Burger King. After the conversation I had with Ryan in the taxi where he thought I couldn't afford tonight, I was embarrassed at where I had chosen to eat. He was going to see it for what it was, nice, but not too pricey. We walked through the door and were greeted by a small and pretty looking waitress. She had jet black hair, a slightly tanned complexion, a round face and a perfect set of white teeth which she showed as we approached. After she got us seated and took our order for drinks, we both picked up the menus and began perusing for what to eat. "This is on me too," I announced. Ryan looked up from the menu as if he were about to protest, but thought better of it and then began browsing the menu again. I watched him as he read the menu. I don't know if he was doing it consciously or not but he was reading aloud. Not loudly, but his lips were definitely moving, I watched his lips as he muttered his way down the menu, his lips vibrating slightly as he moved from dish to dish. I couldn't help but wonder what his lips would feel like pressed up against mine. The kiss we had before was all a blur, he rushed forwards so quickly and pressed his lips against mine so fast that I didn't have time to respond or even move my own lips before he had pulled off and was staring at me. "Here's your drinks," the waitress said snapping me out of my daydream. "Thanks," we both said before she disappeared. I looked for the cheapest item on the menu, it was Spaghetti Carbonara. If he ordered the Spaghetti Carbonara then I knew he was doing so because he thought I couldn't afford anything else. "What are you getting?" Ryan asked. I was so busy concentrating on what he was getting that I forgot to look at the menu for myself, "Um - I think I'll get the - Salmon and Potatoes." I mentally chastised myself. Who uses the word potatoes? No one! It's totties. I think the fact that Ryan was considerably richer than me and I felt like money was an issue tonight was starting to get to me. I was speaking far more properly than I usually do when I'm around people from uni. "What are you getting?" I asked hoping to deflect from my verbal mishap. "Hmm - fish sounds like a good idea - I think I'll go for - Plaice and - Chips," he said putting the menu down snappily and beaming at me. I felt a familiar tingle run down my spine as I put my menu back and looked down at the table smiling. A sense of relief washed over me, he hadn't ordered the Carbonara. "Your hair is nice, I'm glad you kept it long, it suits you," Ryan complimented. I felt myself turning red. "Thanks, I like it long, it's easier to manage and less hassle than when it's short." I like it long? Jesus! He'll think I'm spamming him with subliminal messages or something like some sort of sexual deviant. Ryan nodded his head in agreement. The waitress came over and took our order. The food didn't take long and before I knew it Ryan had excused himself to the toilet and I had paid for the bill and was standing outside having hailed a taxi, waiting on Ryan. The drive home was pretty uneventful with both of us discussing the other drivers at the Go-Karting, we got dropped off at the exit of the park as it was as close to my flat as it was to Ryan's. "I had a great night tonight," Ryan beamed. "Me too," I smiled back nervously as we both came to a halt. This was it, the answer to the questions I had been asking myself all night, was this a date, or just two friends out having a good time? I looked up into Ryan's eyes and he stared back at me, seconds passed by as we stared at each other. My confidence had been rocked after I messed up with Ryan the last time so I wasn't about to make the first move, I wasn't sure how he felt or whether he'd want to kiss me again. Was he even gay? A warm smile formed on his face, "Good night Jamie," he said taking a step backwards. Disappointment washed over me from head to toe as he widened the gap between us, "G'night," * "Jesus, didn't you even make any moves on him?" "No," I said putting Ben's iPod into the speakers he had brought over from his house. "Why not?" "I dunno, it was weird, it started out OK and then I put my foot in it," I complained. "What did you do?" "Don't ask, he found my smokes -" "You smoke?" Ben exclaimed. "Sorta, that's not important, anyway, he asked why I had smokes and I said it was because I was stressed and he asked what I was stressed about, so me, summoning every ounce of wisdom, said it was because of the night out with him." Ben clapped his hand to his forehead, "Epic fail, Jamie, epic fail." I exhaled heavily while I searched through Ben's iPod for the Dead Weather. "When I said I was stressed because of the night out he then asked if it was because I couldn't afford it, saying that he wouldn't mind paying his share," I finished sullenly. "Wow, epic fail, Ryan!" "Exactly, he made me feel like I was poor and totally rocked my self-confidence, I don't know why it got to me so much but it did, the night out went flat for a while after that until the Karting. We both had a good time at that and if we were just to have come home then, I'd probably have declared the night a success." "But..." Ben encouraged. "But I asked him if he wanted to go for something to eat, it's what I was intending to do before he made the comment in the taxi." "What happened?" "I took him to Gillardino's." "What's that?" "It's this casual restaurant-type place next to Knockhill." "Is that the one next to the shop with the fancy neon lighting?" I nodded while I continued to search Ben's IPod. "That place looks OK." "It's nice and - " "And..." Ben encouraged. "Well it's kinda... reasonable... in terms of price," I finished quietly. "Oh..." "After the comments he made in the taxi I was utterly embarrassed about where I took him out to eat, he must have seen it for what it was," I said disgusted. Ben nodded his head, "Maybe he was just trying to help you out and didn't mean what he said in a bad way." My head spun to look at Ben, "How would you take it if halfway through a night out with your date they asked you if you could afford it? He may as well have just said, 'You're poor and I know it.'" I shot at Ben venomously. "I know, I know, I'd be pissed-off too, but maybe he just didn't mean it like that, I mean, you did pay for his meal and that didn't you?" "Obviously." "And he didn't order the cheapest thing on the menu, did he?" I was surprised Ben asked this as I thought it was only me who looked out for that sort of thing. "No, so what?" I asked irritably. "Well... maybe... maybe he was just looking out for you because you said you were stressed or something? Maybe he was trying to help you out and didn't mean to embarrass you." I shot Ben a scornful look. "Fine, whatever, I'm just trying to help," Ben said holding his hands up in surrender. "He's already judged me and made his mind up," I complained. I sat down on the edge of the bed as the music started playing, "It's just so..." I took a deep breath to try and calm myself, "... frustrating and stuff. When I was growing up me and my mates never had any money and it never really bothered us." I sighed again. "Do I look poor? Honestly, I mean, do I give off that impression or something?" I asked running my hands through my hair. Ben averted his eyes from mine which was odd, it was usually me who avoided eye contact, "No, I know you don't wear designer clothes and I know that you're not rolling in it, but that's just because we're friends, I doubt I'd know that just from looking at you." I frowned as I stood up and walked over to my fish tank, I got the feeling there was something that Ben wasn't telling me. * The next few days went by uneventfully. At uni Ben, Alex and I continued to sit together and Ryan and Danny continued to sit near the front. Alex and Ben had patched things up when I took a few days off last week and they'd moved on in terms of forming some sort of friendship although it's clear to see that both of them act more macho when they're together than when they're with me alone. It would be a lie to say that they were becoming best of friends, I'm sure the fact that Ben still brought his Porsche to uni every day annoyed Alex and I'm sure Ben still thought that Alex was harbouring a grudge but both of them kept their ill feelings towards one another under wraps. I had met Ryan twice in between lectures and he had made a point of stopping to say 'hi' which was nice. I was wholly disappointed with the fact that we appeared to be becoming friends and nothing more but I suppose having another friend couldn't hurt; that took my total amount of friends up to a whopping four if you included John which was, at times, a bit of a stretch (mainly because of what happened with Ryan. Apparently he held more of a grudge then Ryan did). I had spent the past few days catching up on the uni notes I'd missed from last week but on this hot, sunny, Thursday afternoon, I decided to take a break from playing catch-up and I was lying in the park on a hill soaking up the sun with Ben sitting up next to me, people-watching. "So, have you given up on Ryan then?" "No!" I answered a little sharply, "But I do think we're just gonna be friends. I still really like him but after the date-sasters I think becoming friends isn't too bad an outcome. I'm probably gonna start to limit the amount of contact with him, wean myself off of him, you know? Make the transition from sexual fantasy to friends easier." "True, so how would you feel about going out with me to a gay bar?" I paused for a minute as a jolt of shock shot up from my stomach, "Going out with you?" "Not like that, I mean like my wingman." "Ahhh," I said adjusting the sunglasses on my face that Alex had loaned me, "How can you go to a gay bar? You're still closeted," I pointed out. "I doubt I'll be seen." "Why's that? You gonna wear drag?" I began chuckling. I felt a sharp punch on my right bicep which only increased my laughter. "It's a big club. There'll be hundreds of people there; the odds in me being spotted by someone I know will be close to zero." "What happens if you do get spotted though?" I said stifling my laughter and rubbing my bicep where Ben had just punched me. "Jesus! Stop being a killjoy." "I'm just saying; it's a bit risky." Ben sighed, "I'm willing to risk it." "Cool, when do you wanna go?" I asked. "How about next weekend?" "Why not this weekend?" "Because you got your student loan last week which means you don't get your bursary until next week. I'm assuming you blew most of you money trying to woo Ryan so you're probably skint again this week." I paused for a second while I thought about what he said; I hadn't blown all my money but I definitely didn't have enough for a night out, "Next week sounds good, which day?" "Friday, that's gay night." "I thought we were going to a gay bar?" I questioned. "We are." "Isn't every night gay night in a gay bar?" "Nope, Saturday is dyke night." "Can they discriminate like that?" "Who cares? Friday, are you in or out?" "I'm out... unlike some," I said with a wry grin on my face. I felt another dig on my right bicep which made me both laugh and whine, "I'm in, I'm in! Jesus, I'm a skinny bastard compared to you, less of this abuse," I smiled. "Only if you stop being a dick." "I heard you like dicks." I saw Ben cock his right hand ready to give me another punch in the arm, "OK, OK! Calm down Rocky, Jesus! Save it for the insolent butler," I said before I began laughing uncontrollably. I felt another punch in the arm before Ben launched himself on top of me while I continued to howl with laughter. After our wrestling match was over we continued to lie on the grass soaking up the sun until Ben spotted someone, "I don't believe who it is, RYAN! RYAN! OVER HERE!" I heard Ben shout. I looked up and saw Ryan walk off the path towards where we were lying. "What did you do that for?" I asked annoyed. "I thought you said you two were becoming friends?" "I did - " "So what's the problem?" "Are you that dumb? They're called residual feelings, I can't just go from fancying the arse off him one day to feeling nothing for him the next," I hurriedly whispered to Ben as Ryan approached. "Jesus, how am I supposed to know that?" He said with a huge grin on his face, "If only my insolent butler was here to help me work it out?" "You dirty bastard, that's low," I mumbled as Ryan came into earshot, laying my head back down on the ground. "Hey," Ryan said slightly out of breath. "Hi," I said stiffly. "What are you two doing here? Weren't you two at uni?" "Nope, just chilling and catching some rays," Ben replied. I felt Ryan sit down on my left, I could smell the sweet scent of his aftershave which gave me goose bumps on my arms; I shook my shoulders slightly hoping to quell the sensory onslaught. "You dodged a bullet today, Aerodynamics was soul-destroying. The lecture just went on and on and on and on and on..." Ryan continued while sort of nodding his head in a circular fashion. Even with my disgust at Ben for inviting Ryan over I still found it difficult to be hostile towards Ryan and found myself smiling at him dopily until he stopped nodding his head and looked across at me and Ben. I straightened my face before I laid my head back down to sun bathe. "So eh... what's your plans for the rest of the day?" Ryan asked. I had expected Ben to answer but after a brief silence, I answered as Ben seemed to be distracted, "Just lying here until the sun sets then getting something to eat. Hectic schedule," I added. "I'm just about to leave, got some notes from earlier this week that I haven't copied out yet," Ben replied. "Why do you need to copy them out again? You already copied them off the board at the lecture," I enquired while leaning up on my elbows. "I just like to re-write them." I widened my eyes behind the sunglasses, "OK." I don't know why he wanted to re-write them, he already had all the pertinent information copied down from the lecture but I bit my tongue and lay back down on the ground again. "I'll see you later," Ben said as he stood to leave. "Later," I said stiffly. "Bye," Ryan added breezily. "I've not got much to do today at all, chilling here sounds like a good idea if you don't mind the company." Did I mind the company? No. Did I want to spend time with Ryan after deciding to try and wean myself off of him? Of course not. But what could I do? I couldn't say yes, that would be pretty crappy, "I don't mind." I sighed inwardly after the words escaped my mouth. I heard Ryan move to my left and I stole a glance, he was lying down now, apparently getting himself comfortable. I was so sick to death of doing what was right, now I had to sit here next to Ryan because I didn't want to walk away and appear rude or make him think I didn't like him. But what about my feelings? Sitting next to the guy I've drooled over for almost 2 years isn't doing me any favours. I had to stop thinking about Ryan like that, he was becoming my friend, nothing more, if he wanted something more then he had ample opportunities. I took him out on a date for Christ sake! "What's up?" Ryan asked. "Nothing." "I can tell, what's wrong?" he asked softly. "Nothing." "Is it me again?" he asked with a hint of a giggle in his voice. I laughed slightly, if only he knew how right he was, "Nah, just family stuff," I sighed. "Oh, well if you wanna talk I'm all ears." "Thanks, but I'm cool." I lay there thinking about Ryan, I was desperate to ask him again if he was gay. I was desperate to ask him if our night out last week was a date or just a guy's night out. What was going on between us two? Ryan stood up after I had spent half an hour mentally tormenting myself in silence, "I'm gonna get going, I forgot I promised Danny I'd help him paint his mum's house." "Cool, I'll see you later," I said relieved that I didn't have to breath in his heavenly scent any longer. I was seriously struggling to prevent myself from growing in the wake of his aroma. "I was wondering, if you're not up to much later on if you'd fancy going to the pictures again." I held my breath as I thought about what he was asking, "Who else is going? Danny?" I suggested. Ryan looked down at the ground and brushed his hair out of his face absentmindedly, "I was thinking that we could just make it us two." I bit my bottom lip; surely there was no mistaking this for anything else other than a date. Should I ask him if it's a date? That may scare him off, especially if he's not gay or unsure about being gay. "Sounds good, what time d'ya wanna meet?" Apparently I was a glutton for punishment. So much for weaning myself off of him but if there was still a chance that this could work then I was planning on snatching it with both hands. "I'll drop by yours at ten?" Ryan suggested. "Cool, I'll be ready." * "For fucks sake will you sit down, you're making me nervous!" Alex exclaimed. "I can't help it," I said as I continued to pace the living room. "He definitely said ten," I reaffirmed to myself more than Alex. "It's only ten past." "But he lives just around the corner! It's not as if he's got far to walk or he missed the bus or something!" A firm knock on the front door snapped me out of the circuit that I'd been walking round the living room. "Good luck, Shagger," Alex said as I straightened myself up. A smile crept across my face at his boyish enthusiasm. "And remember, he's probably just as nervous as you, more so knowing Ryan," he added. "Doubt it," I muttered as I began to make my way to the front door. As I was walking down the hall I heard another firm knock on the door, apparently whoever it was was impatient. I quickened my pace before I came to a halt at the door, I opened it slowly to reveal Ryan standing there with his face being covered slightly by his hair; I could just make out his smile. "Hey," he said timidly. "Hi," I replied. "Sorry I'm late, I was late getting back from Danny's mums house," "It's cool, it's only ten past," I said parroting the words Alex had just spoken to me seconds before. We set off for the pictures through the still, clear night. "So what are we gonna go see?" I asked. "Em... I dunno, I just thought we'd decide when we got there." "Cool." "So eh..." Ryan hesitated. "What?" "Eh... what's your favourite movie?" Ryan asked. "Em... that's a good question," I smiled. "I'd probably say Pulp Fiction, though I love anything that Tarantino's had his greasy paws on," I beamed. "What's your favourite?" "I like Donnie Darko." "Oh that's a sweet movie! I've not seen that in ages though." Ryan nodded his head in agreement, "Do you like Sci-fi movies?" "Yeah they're OK," I had barely spoken before Ryan fired another question at me. "How about Fantasy movies." I smiled nervously at his enthusiasm, he had barely let me answer the previous question before he shot this one at me, "Yeah, I like fantasy movies a lot." "'A lot?' Which movies do you like specifically?" Ryan asked. I widened my eyes at the question, it seemed like Ryan was grilling me as opposed to trying to find out about me. The rest of the night continued like this (both before and after the movie), with Ryan asking me question after question. It wasn't so much of a 'getting to know you' session but more of an interrogation. He kept asking me lots of questions like, "What's your favourite book?" or "What's your favourite sport?" This was not only becoming intrusive, but intimidating. Ryan wanted to pay for my ticket at the pictures but I wouldn't let him, even if we were just going to become friends I wanted it to become clear that not only was I not a mooch, but I could pay my own way in life without any hand-outs. On the journey home we stopped outside the park again, I tried not to get my hopes up but this was easier said than done. "So, do you wanna do something again next week?" Ryan asked. I paused for a minute, unsure. Did I want to do something next weekend? Ryan had spent most of the night spamming me with questions; did I really want another night like this? Maybe I was just being sensitive? Maybe Ryan wasn't interrogating me but he had still made me feel uncomfortable. "I'm busy Friday but I can do something on Saturday if you want?" I suggested half-heartedly. "Oh... I'm busy on Saturday," Ryan said while picking at the threading on the side of his denims. "What about tomorrow?" I suggested. "We can grab some food and head to the park and just chill?" This was a great idea I thought, I wouldn't cost me anything and it wouldn't look like I was trying to save money. Ryan's face broke into a smile, "Sounds good." "Cool, I'll hit your door at midday?" "OK, see you then," he said before taking a few steps away from me, I feigned a smile and began walking back to the flat. "Another date with no kiss," I grumbled aloud to myself. * "So what the hell is happening? Are they dates or not?" Ben practically screamed down Alex's mobile phone at me. "Yeah, sorta. I mean they're definitely not just two guys going out to the movies, I'm sure it's more than that but I don't really know, I've never been out on a date with a guy before. Like, when I head out with you or Alex there isn't any awkwardness or tension or that. And he asked me to go to the pics with him and he made sure that it was just us two. But he hasn't tried getting off with me again." "Again? When did he try and get off with you?" "He didn't," I quickly lied, "I just mean he hasn't tried to get off with me." "Why don't you... you know?" "Get off with him?" I finished. Ben was a bit of a prude when it came to this sort of thing. "Cause I'm not really sure if he's gay," I complained. "He might just be experimenting or finding his feet or bi- curious or whatever; I don't know." "Exactly! So how are you gonna find out whether or not he likes you if you don't make some moves on him?" "I'm kinda hopeful that he'll make the first move," I said quietly. "But why don't YOU make the first move?" Ben pressed. "Because I don't usually make the first move, the other person does." The truth is that Ryan had already made the first move but Ben and Alex didn't know that, I still hadn't told them about what happened the first time we went to the pictures. I heard Ben sigh over the phone, "Look, just try and find some bottle. I know you'd rather Ryan made the first move but he's just as shy as you, probably more from what I've seen. You can't keep going out on dates with him without them leading anywhere, he'll get the wrong idea." "This is the last one." "What?" "This is the last date, if nothing happens after this then nothing's gonna happen." "So are you gonna at least try and make a move on him?" I sighed, "You make it sound like I don't want to for fucks sake. I'll see what happens and if everything goes well then I'll try." "Nice." I could tell Ben was beaming on the other end of the phone. "Look I'd better get going, I said I'd chap him up at twelve, I'll see you at uni on Monday." "Talk to you then, stud." I snickered and shook my head. "Later," I said before I hung up the phone. I stood in front of the mirror again and checked my appearance to make sure I looked OK, we were only going to chill in the park and maybe have something to eat so I hadn't dressed up too much but I got nervous staring at myself in the mirror. My hair was at a strange stage at the moment, it was still quite long but because I didn't have any straighteners it had a slight wave in it that really annoyed me. I stopped fussing over it and made my way over to Ryan's. It was a nice morning and apparently the weatherman had it right when he predicted that it was going to be a nice day. I turned the corner and approached Ryan's flat only to find him sitting outside it on the steps. "Hey," he said rising to his feet after seeing me approach. "Ola, why are you waiting there?" "Danny and that are still asleep and I thought if you'd chap the door then you'd wake them, so I decided to wait for you out here." "Cool, so I thought we could head over to the other side of the park where the fountain is and chill on the big hill." "Sounds like a plan." We began walking through the park slowly, it was early October and usually this time of year would be bitingly cold but the sun was still more than hot enough to make sitting outside pleasant. On our way through the park I noticed a hot guy sitting on top of a park table with no t-shirt on. He had a pretty well defined set of abs and I looked up at Ryan to find him staring at the guy quite openly. As if he read my mind he spun his head round and looked at me, I immediately shot my eyes to the floor feeling my face redden. That is it, I'm convinced he's gay, even if he isn't sure yet. "I started reading that book you gave me the other day, it's awesome, I kind of feel guilty because I've not got you anything yet." "Don't sweat it," I replied nonchalantly. "We're mates." I mentally slapped myself on the head after I said it, why did I remind him that we were just mates when I wanted something more? We made our way over to one of my favourite spots in the park, it was close enough to the fountain so that you could hear the sound of running water which I found calming but it was secluded enough that I was rarely disturbed by kids on bikes or dog walkers. "Wow, this is pretty isolated," Ryan commented. "Yeah, it's good for just lying back and chilling without any randomers interrupting contemplation time." "Contemplation time?" I smiled anxiously, "It's just good to go somewhere and think, it beats sitting in and talking to my fish all day long," I joked. I cringed as soon as I had said it, Ryan must really think I'm some sort of weirdo. What I really meant is that it was good to get out and have a smoke while I thought about my troubles but since my family disowned me I hadn't really come here much, I didn't want to think about them. Ryan smiled knowingly, "I just usually go home and use my old punch bag." "You box?" "No, I'm one of the only people in the world ever to get assaulted by a stationary punch bag." We both burst into laughter as we sat down on the grass next to each other. The conversation turned to cars and engines as is inevitable with two guys studying aeronautical engineering, overall the conversation seemed far more relaxed, Ryan wasn't firing questions at me with the same urgency that he was the other night which gave me time to think about what I said before I opened my mouth (thankfully). Eventually I lay down on the grass and heard Ryan shuffle next to me as he did the same, I still wasn't sleeping well so it felt good to lie back and let the day pass effortlessly. "I've not seen Rebecca or Louise or Danny over at ours in a while," I tested. Ryan made a non-committal grunt. "Does it have anything to do with me by any chance?" There was deft silence before Ryan spoke, "Do you think we could go get something to eat? I'm hungry." I furrowed my brow, not exactly a subtle conversation change I thought to myself, apparently he doesn't want to talk about it. I got the feeling that they weren't coming over because of me and I didn't think that was fair. They're John's friends and he should be able to invite them over whenever he wants. "Sure." We walked to the nearest café and sat in a window seat staring at the beautiful day outside, we both had a baguette and a drink while we chatted about the movie we went to see the first time we went to the pictures. "I swear to god I've actually thought about what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse. First, self- defence, preferably a blunt object. Then sustenance, preferably tins, they've got the longest shelf- life. Finally, shelter, you could always use your house but the city's heavily populated and hence it'll be heavily infested." Ryan nodded his head knowingly, "Wouldn't you have to barricade yourself in the house if you stayed in the city." "Assuming the zombies are pretty dumb as is usually the case, then I would use a moat." "A moat?" Ryan scoffed. "Yep, I'd like to see the brain-dead bastards climb out of that!" I beamed while banging my fist on the table. Ryan smiled from ear to ear as he shook his head, "Are you finished eating?" "Yeah," I said a little taken aback by yet another abrupt change in conversation. "Cool, I'd better be getting back; I'm supposed to be helping Louise with some maths for her course." "Oh cool," I said standing up. Ryan made a point of paying for the food which sort of bugged me, we were starting to make a scene arguing over whether or not he'd let me pay for my own food when I finally gave in and let him pay. He didn't seem to mind that people were watching. This played on my mind as we walked through the park towards the flat. He was so insistent that he wanted to pay and effectively that made us square as I paid for the date when I took him to Knockhill. Did he want us to be square before he walked away? Was he making sure that there were no obligations between us so he could walk away with a clear conscience? I was nervous as the conversation I had with Ben replayed in my head. Should I make a move on him? Today had gone well but I'm still not positive whether Ryan was interested or not. We stopped at what was becoming our customary good-bye point, I looked up into his eyes, it was time for me to take charge. "I had a great time again today," I said meekly moving my fringe out of my eyes so I could see his face more clearly. "Me too," he said. I took a step closer to him so that I was within kissing distance and well within his personal space; I began moving my head upwards towards his before he unmistakably pulled his head away and turned to the side. "I should really get going," he said taking a step away from me, "I'll see you later." I stood there feeling embarrassed, stupid and unable to find my voice to even say goodbye. Ryan had just rejected me. All the signs I thought I'd seen, all the hints and subtle suggestions, all wrong. All the excitement about going out on a date with a guy, about going out on a date with Ryan, it had all meant nothing and it was all for nothing, he wasn't interested. Stupidity and humiliation washed over me. To Be Continued... Send any feedback to: kyro3@hotmail.co.uk I hope you enjoyed it and thanks for reading!!!