Date: Tue, 21 Sep 2010 15:00:33 -0400 From: Ben Joseph <email@example.com> Subject: Delusion Part 8 Delusion Part 8 All disclaimers apply Feel free to comment or what not : ) A big thank you to Thos for writing style suggestions! Running Water: I run to the bathroom and slam the door. There is no pressure in here. I'm protected from the world, myself is still intact. I jump in the shower for some kind of therapeutic relief. The sound of running water surrounds me, the warmth sinks into my skin. My mind is clearing. I am becoming restored. I have lived fifteen years without a boyfriend, why am I destroyed and manufactured around him. It is already seeming to me that every relationship is about control, an endless stream of power plays. Top or bottom, I despise power, control, pollution of what is pure. Why can't it feel like the first glimpse all the time. I sink to the base of the shower, the water is flowing with my tears. Why do I have to have my mind stalled out and thinking of him. Why does it matter? Why am I already wrapped up in him more than I've ever been with anyone else? Why does this hurt so much? The door opens. I quickly stand and gather myself. Who is this? The shower curtain is pulled back, my heart races and my face begins to flush. I feel the stings of self denial, I am vulnerable and he is right there. Does he represent limitless undying love. Justin is the one that's there when I need it, he turns and closes the door behind him. I am presented, I sadly look at him with a blank stare. He gives me a knowing smirk, I am waiting, Justin has been waiting too. He slowly undresses, the flowing water continues to hit me. I stare; gawk, I am amazed at the already revealed. Justin is immaculate, he offers no words and neither do I. His existence is telling, his presence no longer concerns me, I beckon him. He senses me, escape is metaphorical, and you can never fully flee. But this feels like escape to me. Justin steps in; maybe I am too immature to guide my reality. I fall for right now. My apprehension is trumped by his charm; Justin is standing before me without pre condition or obligation, just his gazing presence. Doesn't he know I'm intolerability affected by his truth? Slavery is normally in bonds, not within choice. Justin is naked, revealing and caressing, I still his motivation. He makes no move, we intently look into each other's eyes . I reach out and slowly trace his cheek and jaw bone and chin. I let my hand become like the water and I let it flow down his chest to his treasure trail and I slowly pull on his curly black hairs. I graze up his body with the back of my hand and he laughs. He looks at me and says he's ticklish. He grabs the soap and suds up my body and I begin the same motions as him. This feels incredibly erotic yet we are only washing each other. I don't care what is right or wrong at this moment, I have been halted by a banal longing for love, a future created for itself. Not anymore, I just want to have some fun. I feel a tinge of guilt but then it leaves, Mark basically broke up with me or at least I think he did. Justin's breathing becomes heavier and we are both pulsing with excitement. His "anaconda" is fully awake and protruding into my stomach. I like that Justin is taller than me even if it makes it awkward to fool around with him. Lowered without depreciation, Justin explores me, he slowly kisses down my body. Sense. Nation. Sovereignty. Where is the border between us? I don't know how to categorize my recently discovered passions. My heart is racing so fast I think it might explode. He is kissing my rapidly expanding and contracting chest and then his lips land on my nipple and my knees go a little weak. My mind can't keep up with all of these sensations. Messing around with Mark was awesome but this is somehow so much better. I am gripping Justin's back, feeling muscle and bone and sinew. Justin quickly arises and we begin kissing. Lips fighting against lips, electric vision and stare, a lust that can never be conquered. I can't keep track of fingertips and specified reactions. I feel godlike, impenetrable. I can't stand this foreplay I need his cock in my mouth. I drop to my knees and grab his shaft. I can't get my hand all the way around it. I slowly lick his now exposed head. Justin is uncut and I'm thinking to myself how it's so foreign the way his skin covers and exposes his head. I start to feel nervous, I am no pro, this is my second time doing this and he seems pretty experienced. I cover my teeth and fill my mouth with his dick. I can feel his heartbeat through his manhood. Heat, pulse, pleasure, Justin is moaning, and I smile to myself, yeah I must be doing something right. I am losing myself in this moment, I close my eyes and it feels as if we are becoming one. I am jerking my cock, and I have to stop because I'm getting too close. Justin rips me off his cock and I'm now standing and leaning on the shower wall trying to steady myself by grabbing the soap dish. He is like a Hoover, he could suck a egg through a garden hose. Does he represent anything that is not radiance? I cannot tell, just like so much before, I am not the seer, the soothsayer, the prophet of the universe. I am instead the perceiver, and my perceptions and senses are telling me the truth of the matter, joy from all, content not contention. I am getting close and he is moving so fast. I'm beginning to hunch over from the pleasure of his oral ministrations. "Justin I'm coming!!" I state with urgency. Justin lets my cock escape his mouth and he begins jerking me in earnest and I immediately come. The first shot hits Justin's shoulder and next three hit the shower curtain as he points my dick upwards, then more on his shoulder. I'm panting and shaking a little as his fingers explore my hypersensitive head. Justin jumps up and starts to jerk his cock and I grab his hand and once more go down on him this time trying to use the same technique as he did. I suck hard and move my lips fast and Justin helps by quickly pumping in and out of my mouth. Justin gasps and whispers. I want to ask Justin, "what are you thinking?" but it's impossible right now. I am taking him further with each thrust. Honest unwrapping, stun, Justin is moaning louder and louder. "Oh, man... keep sucking.....fuck" "Oh, shit...keep going ...oh" "I'm coming!" I decide to try to take it in my mouth, he rapidly fills my mouth. He taste salty and bitter I and pull his member out of my mouth and spit his cum onto the shower floor watching it slowly make its way to the drain. Grasp desperation, need. After he comes from his uncut member we dry off and make our way to my room or is it his, he holds the same ownership of it as I do, maybe more, I am not a resident, a member. My place at the table has been diminished long ago. I hold little except myself. We jump in bed and I curl around him nestling my now soft dick into the cleft of his ass; I am holding him for once. The phone is ringing out, but I don't want to answer. I am content, it's nearly four, and I don't have to think about anything but this dude, an easterner on the wrong coast. "Justin, where's Kyle?" "He left for some girl's house before you came home." "All right, come outside with me." we get up from our nest and he follows me downstairs. I casually walk with a show, a kind of presentation. I pull the phone cord out and Justin and I make our way outside to the deck and we rest naked on it. I unhand a palmed joint, spark it up, embers, tastes, coating tar and divinity, transcendence is inevitable. Inhale the world, truth and freedom, exhale pain, want, fortitude and unneeded barriers. I love what I have done with him. I pass the joint to Justin and he denies me, I take another hit and kiss, exhaling into him, I must force something upon him after his pressings. He accepts, I can't take much more exclusion, and he offers me himself, is that enough? Hopeful fruition, taming production, what am I to him, I still don't hold the answer. Grazing upon him is my new hobby, we take more hits, and I stare into his circling eyes, spinning, and intertwining, lacing me into his existence, leading me, into what I don't know. Gentle foray, explanations refuse to come to me, even though I don't believe in fate, I hope for its insistence. Freeing my mind is so much easier with him. Is this it, have I made a great decision, or a huge mistake? More to come.