These groups need a little lightening up. All these arguments about whether sex is sinful, what the age-of-consent should be, and Whether or not incest should be illegal are getting boring. We need a lighter side, so. . . In the light of so many such similar articles; mostly brought on as imitations of Jeff Foxworthy's "You MIGHT be a redneck if. . ." I have a little test to see if you are REALLY oversexed. Since these days, most men would say they are oversexed, if you asked them; it's probably "normal" to be oversexed, if that's possible so to be REALLY oversexed, you would have to be a sex-maniac. Now that's not all bad, you see. If being a little oversexed is good and normal, can being a sex-maniac be all that bad. So, I'm starting what I hope will be an extensive thread. It's a test, to see if you might be a sex-maniac, just like Jeff Foxworthy's test for qualification as a redneck. Feel free to add tests of your own. You MIGHT be a sex-maniac if. . . Your porn-library is bigger than your stack of taped shows. Your prick (or cunt) and your right hand have matching callouses. Your mother, your aunt, your two sisters, and your dog are all pregnant, and none of them has a current boyfriend. You think your wife is frigid, because she tells you that, "Five times a day is too much." You learned to masturbate before you learned to talk. You're number-3 on Planned Parenthood's list of horror-stories. You're a farmer with cows, chickens, and nanny-goats, but no bulls, jacks, or cockerels. You don't need them. Your little sister has had three children, but is too young to date yet. Your mother complains that your father is losing his sex-drive, and you have to agree. . . He only managed to fuck you three times last night, so you had to get your little brother to help. All the other girls are disappointed, when you show up for the orgy. Your boyfriend asks his brother, father and uncle to help out, because he just can't keep up. . . And you wonder if maybe he should invite his grandfather too, as only four men might not be enough. You're wondering if maybe you should get a boyfriend, because your father and three brothers just aren't enough any more. Your sister keeps complaining that you steal all her boyfriends, and you wonder what's bothering her about that. You know more about sex than either of your parents; and you're only 9. Your condom bill is bigger than your phone bill. You carry 14 different types of prophylactics, and use them all. Your wife, your mortgage-payment, your mistress, and your two daughters are all late. You have three boyfriends, and are contemplating getting a fourth. You can't understand how some girls can get by with just one boyfriend or husband. You have more than 14 children. You read "Don Juan," and wonder why he's so undersexed. Your girlfriend takes you to a swinging-party, so that she can get a rest. You read stories in the (yellow) newspapers about a man whose wife is divorcing him because he has sex five times a day, and you think, "That's all?" All the women light up, and all the men are disappointed, when you show up at a swinging-party with the sexiest girl in town. You can quote the entire dialog of "Taboo II." You like to drink cum, but think it's a waste. Your idea of getting "dressed up" does not involve more than 8 ounces of clothing. You go to an orgy to pick up women. You go to an orgy to pick up men. You're a 25-year-old woman, and haven't had a period in 10 years. Your little brother groans, and asks, "Why don't you sleep with Daddy tonight?" Your husband takes you to a swinging party, and tells you he'll pick you up, after it's over. You think the person who wrote "Cheaper by the Dozen" was a piker. You're on a first-name basis with the people down at the health clinic. The local hooker walks out, when she sees you enter the bar. You're being named in more than three paternity suits at once. You're being named in two or more paternity suits, and at least two of them are relatives. Your daughter has three children, but isn't old enough to go out on a date. You go to the pound to pick out a dog, and take the one that starts humping your leg. Your stack of real porno-mags, is higher than your stack of Playboy magazines. Your little sister is afraid to invite you to spend the night at her house, because she doesn't want your daughter to get pregnant. You buy KY-jelly by the case. Your parents wonder how you can keep 5 boyfriends happy at the same time. Your two daughters living with you are also your granddaughters; and they're both pregnant. Your current boyfriend is already "giving out" on you, and you've only been going out with him for two weeks. The dictionary shows your picture, as an example of nymphomania. Your idea of a great evening involves three men and a dog, but no show or dinner. You think cum is delicious. You think having three partners of the opposite sex in bed with you, is the way everybody makes love. Your three sisters and two brothers are also your children. You date the neighborhood nymphomaniac, and she gives out before you do. You can cum three times in a woman, without pulling out. You have to masturbate after your "significant other" fucked you, and you DID cum. You had sex twice, and STILL need to masturbate. You want to see if you can get into the Guiness Book for the most orgasms in a row. Your brothers lock their doors at night, because they need to sleep. You've got a 10" prick, and buy a penis-enlarger. You can't wait to date the guy with the 10" prick that you just saw buy a penis-enlarger. You walk through dark alleys, hoping to get raped. You never have to pay for the motel-room that you sleep in. You're the mistress of three men at the same time; they all know it, and none of them are complaining. Your personalized license-plate says "SLUT". You volunteer to work at the local whorehouse, without pay. The local pimp moves his "stable" to another part of town. You think being tied to a chair, and being "used" by 20 men, is the normal way to have sex. You have to fix breakfast for at least three men every morning. You can't understand how some people get by on sex only three times a day. You have sex with three women in one night, and they are worn out before you are. You think cum is one of the primary food-groups. You save your partners' cum to drink, when you have enough. You never learned how to jack-off, because you've never needed to. You're delighted to hear that your new job-description includes sleeping with the buyers for your company's products. You think being called a "slut" is a high compliment. (Yes, you know what it means.) You want to be a prostitute, when you grow up. Your high-school counselor recommends "hooker" for you, as a career choice. You think "gang-bangs" are the way everybody has sex. You like to fake being drunk, so the boys will "take advantage" of you. You schedule your dates with the opposite sex by the hour, not the day. Having gotten laid twice in one night, you go back to the bar again; hoping to pick up someone else. The local hookers are petitioning to make soliciting sex for free, illegal. You've got three wives, and are looking for a fourth. Your parents bought you a computer, so you can schedule your dates. You started having sex at 7, and wish you'd started earlier. Going without sex for over 4 hours is a strain. Your brothers have all stopped going out on dates, because they don't need to any more. Your parents give up, and install an outside-door to your bedroom. The neighbor dog starts humping your leg, so you invite him into your bedroom. You're the main entertainment at the orgy. Your highest ambition in life, is to be a porn-star. You think there should be an Oscar for best porno-flick and best male and female porn-stars. You think the average porno-flick takes too long to "get down to the action." You have more sex per day, than the girls in most porno-movies. Your day is ruined, if you don't end up in bed with at least three members of the opposite sex. The local Madam has your number, "for emergencies." You can't believe the girls at the whorehouse get paid. Your little sister complains that you want too much sex, and she's the third one that night. Playboy, Hustler, Cosmopolitan, and Screw magazines are all bidding for your autobiography You constitute over 1/3 of the business at the local whorehouse. The local Madam sends flowers and a card, when you get sick. All the pimps in town know you on a first-name basis. You had to retire from being a pimp, because you used up all the merchandise, and left nothing for the customers. Your little sister is pregnant for the third time, and nobody but you knows who the father is. Your mother put you on the pill, when you were 9 years old. You wonder what all the yelling about teenagers having sex is about. . . Can't they do it like all the younger kids do? You seduced your first member of the opposite sex when you were 9, and wish you had started earlier. You dated half the high-school football team. . . At the same time. You're pregnant, and you weren't drunk when you got that way; but you don't have the faintest idea who the father is. Three of your former girlfriends claim you knocked them up on the same night; and you know there's a chance it might be true. Your three brothers are too tired to have sex any more, so you have to ask your father to help you out. You spend more time reading the alt.sex groups than you do working. The local Roman Catholic Church dedicates a confessional-box in your honour. When you come in from work, your dog howls, clutches his balls and hides in the garden. Having no further use for it, your daughter/mother gave her underwear to the Charity Shop. Your job-title is sexretary; and it's not a mis-spelling. You ran out of condoms, and you just bought a gross last week. Your mother and your three sisters can't keep up with you. You volunteer to work "for free" at the local whorehouse. You're the male-lead in a porn-movie, and all the female stars give out before you do. You knew what cum tasted like, before you knew what beer did. You use ribbed condoms, but turn them inside out because it feels better for YOU. You are solicited for celebrity endorsements from mattress companies. Your girlfriends' gynecologist sends you thank you cards. Masters and Johnson ask if they can dedicate their next book to you. You finally get a brand of condom named after you. You have no girlfriend and you can curl 375 lbs. with your right arm. The doctor tells you that those aren't venereal-sores, just wear-spots. Your father puts you on the pill at 9 years old. You got fired as a sheephereder, because none of the ewes had lambs. You wear a mini-skirt and no panties during your nightly walk through Central Park. You have your own personal hooker. Your brothers no longer even bother to date. You've got a permanent T1 connection to the alt.sex.* groups. Your wife WANTS you to fuck her sister, mother, and your three daughters, so she can get at least a couple days of rest. The sex-story archive went down, so they call you to replace it. You run the local sperm-bank, but don't need any donors. You run an adult BBS for fun, not profit. Your first words were "fuck me" not Daddy. You learned how to fuck before you learned how to ride a bike. The kids at school call you "slut" and you're proud of it. You know what "Pull a train" means, from personal experience. You were voted "girl most likely to" by your Senior class. You catch your little brother selling tickets to your bedroom, and only box his ears, because you want a cut in the take. Your pimp can't supply enough customers. You go back to visit the local hooker for the third time in one day. When you visited "Mustang Ranch" you rented the whole stable. . . And used what you paid for. You're surpised to learn that most girls don't have babies until they're at least 15 or 16, and you just turned 16 yourself. You have your own answering service, to handle your dates. You had your first baby at 10. Your boyfriend calls you a tramp, and a slut, and you kiss him for being so nice. You've had more objects up your holes, than most people have objects. After fucking your two sisters, your mother, your aunt, and your girlfriend twice, you still have to jack off before bedtime, so you won't have a wet-dream. You learn that most boys don't sleep with their sisters, AFTER you've fathered two children on each of them. You star in your own porno flicks. You can't go to sleep without a man's prick inside you. Your sister sets you up for three dates in one night, because she knows you can handle it. You marry a hooker, and she divorces you three months later; to go back to where she doesn't have to "work" so hard. You marry a nymphomaniac; then start looking for a mistress. You've got three older sisters and six kids - and none of you are old enough to date yet. You've got three older brothers - and none of them have ever bothered finding dates. You've got seven grandkids - and you're taking everyone out to celebrate your 30th birthday. You've got seven kids - and you're still living at home with your mother and sisters. You've got five daughters - but your wife couldn't have any more after Your first daughter was born. The generations in your family seem to be about twelve years apart - and you've been carrying on the tradition for three or more generations. Your two daughters, five grand daughters, and eleven great grand daughters all call each other 'sis' - and mean it. You host a family reunion and your sisters and brothers and all their kids and grandkids call you 'daddy' - and mean it. Your mother got divorced right after you were born and hasn't been out on a date since - and you've got five younger brothers and sisters. Your father finds you a mistress because he wants to get some from his wife. Everyone in the family pitches in to get you your own apartment, then change the house locks as soon as you move out. Your father checks your daytimer to see when he can get some from his wife. Your father and brothers buy condoms by the case from the wholesaler, and everyone knows their telephone number by heart. You stay home from school, and your mother gets worried calls from the principal, three teachers, the football coach, the baseball coach, the milk man, and your mother's three ex-husbands - before lunch. You've got two aunts, an uncle, and seven cousins who all call you 'daddy' - and mean it. Your wife hires two live-in maids - because she wants to get at least a few hours sleep at night. Your wife hires three live-in maids because the last two quit due to overwork - and your wife did all the cleaning. Your father hires three live-in maids and moves them into your bedroom - so your mother and sisters can get some sleep. Your father, your husband, and your three sons keep trying to find you a new boyfriend - or two, or three... The company your husband works for puts you on the books as a corporate asset... ...and then takes out insurance. Your husband's co-workers list your house as their favorite vacation spot. Your husband buys two bulls for stud services - but they're always too drained to perform. Your husband buys three stallions for stud services - but they're always too drained to perform. Your husband buys five German shepards for stud services - but they're always too drained to perform. Your husband trades the shepards, the stallions, and the bulls for a male escort service - and suddenly they're always too drained to perform. A nearby naval base starts up a shuttle service to and from your house. A nearby convention center starts up a shuttle service to and from your house. A nearby university starts up a shuttle service to and from your house. The naval base, convention center, and university don't have to coordinate their shuttle schedules. You've got three kids before you start needing to shave. All the schools in the city call you for hands-on sex-ed classes. You personally get blamed for the overcrowding in the daycare centers in your city. Your ex-favorite condom manufacturer's stock drops twenty points when you switch brands. Your husband sends you on a vacation to the French riviera - alone - and replaces your packed swimsuits and underwear with a gross of condoms. You install a coin-op condom dispenser in your bedroom - and net enough in the first year to buy a new car. You install a coin-op condom dispenser in your bedroom - and you have to refill it twice a day. The nurses in the local hospital's maternity room have your home telephone number memorized - and you're not a doctor. You can't remember the faces of everyone who fucked you - that morning. You can't remember the faces of everyone who you fucked - that morning. You use a laundry service with daily pickups and deliveries - just for your bed sheets. You buy a diaper service company - because it's cheaper than buying disposables. Your wife, your secretary, your girlfriend, your mistress, and your two daughters are all happy to get a rest when you go on a business trip. Your husband, your boyfriend, your son, your personal assistant, and the local male escort services are all happy to get a rest when you go on a business trip. Your wife pleads with you to hire a sexy new secretary - or two. You have to hire a third secretary to do the office work - and still nothing gets done.