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Celeste's Top 15 Stories - June 1997

Note: Because of the short story contest this month, I reviewed a lot more
excellent stories than usual.  Therefore, I am going to extend this list to
20 instead of the stated 15 stories.

Second Note: Since many readers would like to read the top stories for each
month, I would appreciate it if authors would repost as many of these stories
as possible.  You may wish to repost the stories in, as well as in  If you wish, you
can label them as Celeste's #x for June: Name of Story.

Third Note:  I have had great success finding these stories on the World Wide
Web by using the Deja News Server ( and the service at  You can even find past issues of my reviews through these

Final Note: Guest reviews have been helpful, but they intorduce problems for
the monthly and annual lists.  I am confident that I am handling the fairness
issue by reading any apparently eligible story myself.  However, when I
reprint the reviews in a Top List, I need to differentiate between what I am
saying and what someone else is saying.  To accomplish this, I have simply
labeled "Guest Reviews" as such.

- Celeste

Here's this month's list:

1. "Sucker" by BronwenSM
2. "Bees" by Mat Twassel
3. "Getting Lucky" by Dafney DeWitt
4. "Shelly's Trial" by Mike Hunt
5. "Cain and Abel" by Taria
6. "Longing" by kollontai 
7. "Watching" by Tom Bombadil
8. "Shelly's Sex Life" by Mike Hunt
9. "Zipless Fuck" by Doug
10. "Forgiven" by Uther Pendragon
11. "Wet T-Shirt Contest" by Mike Hunt
12. "My Trusted Friend" by BronwenSM
13. "Miss-Placed" by Stephanie
14. "Photos" by Luc7557
15. "Dune what Comes Naturally" by Jeanette Brennan 
            (Uther Pendragon)
16. "Cape And Cowl" by Ann Douglas
17. "A Little Encouragement" by Stephanie
18. "Teacher" by Anne018
19. "Conversation" by Christopher '95
20. "Goldilocks" by Robert Mitchell

Here are the original reviews in alphabetical order:

"Bees" by Mat Twassel (  This was the 33rd story I read
for this contest; it was the first one that made me lean back in my chair and
laugh out loud.  But it's not just funny; it's also very sexy - even though
no sex actually occurs during the story - at least not on stage.  This story
uses a wonderful combination of innocence and innuendo to answer the common
question, what can possibly go wrong (or right) if a wife puts her panties
into her husband's lunch bag instead of a napkin and the husband goes out for
lunch with someone else and passes the lunch bag unopened along to the sexy
receptionist?  The answer has something to do with one's belly button and
about 500 bees.

"Cain and Abel" by Taria (  This is NOT predominantly a
sexy story, but it does involve sex.  I believe there are people who would
become sexually aroused if they thought about this story, but I myself did
not.  Since I am trying to review this story without ruining it for you, I
cannot tell you much about it, because part of the pleasure lies in letting
you figure out what it is that the author is talking about.  Let me just say
that this is a well written story and that the title creatively associates
the events in this story with the biblical story of Cain and Abel.  Although
conspiracy enthusiasts may disagree with me, I am confident that this story
is not an accurate depiction of historical events (because, of course, I know
the real truth).  That's enough!  If you want to know more, read the story;
it's exactly 500 words long.  If the author had room for one more word, I
know exactly what that word would be: BLAM!

"Cape And Cowl" by Ann Douglas (  Here we're back to
Supergirl as I know and love her.  At the beginning of the story, a small jet
is in extreme danger.  The Girl of Steel, who happens to be in the area
delivering a heart for a transplant operation, rescues the pilot and
passenger by bringing the jet in for a gentle landing.  By sheer chance, the
passenger on the jet happens to be Barbara Gordon, junior congressional
representative from Gotham City, whose secret identity is Batgirl.  The loss
of the engines on the jet was no accident; it was sabotage by evil agents of
Quraq.  Supergirl and Batgirl quickly combine to subdue Crimson Rose, the
main Quaraqi agent; and then they disclose their mutual attraction to each
other.  Then a good time is had by all.

This is a very nice story.  I guess you could say it's not great literature -
just a kids' comic book story that happens to be banned for children.  But
this author does a great job of setting up a plot with details that are both
interesting and consistent.  In addition, the sex between the two superheroes
seemed perfectly plausible to me.  The aspect that I like best about Ann
Douglas's stories is that her characters have genuinely interesting

"Conversation" by Christopher '95 (A+ Story).  This one is hard to describe.
 It's bizarre - like a dream. An extremely beautiful woman whom he has never
seen before joins Martin at his table in the restaurant. "Do you love me?"
she asks in a low, husky voice. "I don't even know who you are," answers
Martin. "Know me?" replies the woman;  "I didn't ask if you knew me.  I asked
if you loved me.  Do you love me?  Do you want to?"  Then she asks if she can
please sleep with him.  She promises never to say no.  And she doesn't.

This is a strange but strangely fascinating story.

Sandman wrote another story with this same title.  It was also bizarre, but
not as far gone as this one.  I'll repost that review, and maybe Sandman will
repost his story.

"Dune what Comes Naturally" by Jeanette Brennan (  A
creative feature of this story is that it is written by a fictional
character.  As I proofread the preceding sentence, I realized how badly it
missed the point.  Actually, in a legitimate sense ALL the stories in this
contest are probably written by fictional characters.  That is, almost
everyone uses a pseudonym when posting on a.s.s.  What I meant to say was
that in this case Uther Pendragon has written a pair of stories and has given
credit for them to Jeanette and Bob Brennan, two fictional characters in his
long-running "For... " series.  So if this feature really works, the present
story should not only be a good story; it should also appear to be the work
of Jeanette as opposed to Bob or someone else.

In this story Marlene's mother tells her to be home right after the movie to
which the girl is going with her boyfriend.  Since they are on a tight
deadline, they leave the movie early and go down to the beach to make out.
 But while they're making out in an area where they cannot be observed, they
hear someone else nearby doing a bit more than just making out.  If Uther
Pendragon has done his work well and if you are familiar with his other work,
you should now have a pretty good idea how this story will end - or at least
it will seem like an ending that Jeanette would have written for her entry in
this contest.  It worked for me!

"Forgiven" by Uther Pendragon (  During my first pregnancy
my husband and I concluded that it was important that our future offspring
know that mommy and daddy liked each other.  During the later part of that
pregnancy my conscience told me that maybe it wasn't really good for the baby
for mommy and daddy to fuck quite as often and as vigorously as they had in
past months.  So I asked my gynecologist, and he put my feet into the
stirrups and had his sexy little nurse sit on my face while he.... No that's
a different story.  Actually, he said sex was fine as long as I enjoyed it
and as long as my husband got out of the way when he delivered the baby.

Bob and Jeanette may have had a kindred doctor.  They are in the family way
now, and Jeanette's cunt tastes richer than in months past. Is this because
of her recent orgasm, the pregnancy, or his overactive imagination.  I dunno
- I would suggest further experimentation to verify a hypothesis here.  These
people certainly get along nicely!  I think maybe we should have a baby
shower for Jeanette!

"Goldilocks" by Robert Mitchell ( {Guest Review}
Most of us are familiar with the childhood classic, Goldilocks and the Three
Bears.  This story of the same name by Robert Mitchell updates the classic to
a more adult level.  Goldilocks, a much more adventurous 19 year old in this
version, finds herself lost  in the forest after sneaking out of her house to
meet her boyfriend.

Luckily, she happens upon the home of family named Bear. The three bears,
Melissa (Momma Bear), Paul (Papa Bear) and Barry (Baby Bear) are happy to
invite her to share a dinner.  She is surprised to discover that Porridge was
the main course -- Passion Porridge to be exact.  The effect of this
unexpected treat should be obvious to anyone who's been on this newsgroup
more than two days.

Needless to say, the end result isn't the same as the version your mother
told you at bedtime.  I found the story to be original and highly
entertaining and can recommend it highly.

"A Little Encouragement" by Stephanie (  Let's see.
 We have a young guy being seduced by a beautiful older woman who appears to
be surprisingly strong.  The story is by Stephanie, who specializes in
transgender stories and is prone to surprise endings.  OK, I have put my
guess for the surprise ending into a sealed envelope, and I'll let you know
how I did.  {Actually, I could just write my prediction here; it's just as
easy to lie and cheat with a word processor as to lie about a sealed
prediction, but I may need a drum roll later.}

Ooops!  I went to the next screen and found, "Hi, honey! I'm home!"  I'll put
my NEW prediction in a NEW sealed envelope.  Fine; so the woman hustles her
date into a dark room and then returns to face her Honey.  But the guy is not
alone in the dark room; there's a sexy girl in the bed there - one with
perfectly formed breasts clearly visible through her thin night-dress.  OK,
I'll put my new prediction in a THIRD sealed envelope.  

Fortunately, there was a sale on envelopes at the drug store in the mall near
my house, and so I handled the vagaries of this plot quite nicely, thank you.
 Surprisingly, my first guess was almost exactly correct; but I won't tell it
to you, since that would ruin it for you.

"Longing" by kollontai (  {Guest Review} Kollontai (who
posts as "La Amadora", and has email addresses as both "kollontai" and
"amadora") is a newcomer to a.s.s.*, but her first three stories show a great
deal of promise.  The first two, short-shorts called "Taken" and "The Orgy",
are intense surreal pieces (see Celestial Reviews 191).  Her latest posting,
"Longing", is much more realistic, and quite effective.

I've never had a really long-term long-distance relationship, but I do
remember some pretty hot cross-town phone calls as a teenager.  This was
phone-petting rather than phone-sex, but it was memorable, and kollontai's
story effectively brings back those memories.  The narrator (in New Jersey)
is talking to her lover (in Massachusetts) on the telephone, and missing each
other and longing for each other they quite convincingly make love through
that little wire.  If MIT proves too much for him, this boy has a real future
in phone sex!  (He may actually be a bit TOO good at it; I did once or twice
suspect that we were going to have a surprise ending where it turned out he
was a professional phone-fantasy operator.  A real amateur lover might not be
quite as perfectly-spoken in this situation; but the author makes it easy to
suspend disbelief here.)

Despite some problems with "lie" and "lay", and using "cum" as a verb (a pet
hate of mine), kollontai has given us a hot sexy romantic story.  People in
long-distance relationships should study it carefully!  <grin>

"Miss-placed" by Stephanie (  Julian and Tony live
some time in the future, and they have decided to take their vacation for two
weeks at Dodge City, where androids recreate activities from the American
Wild West.  In addition, a sophisticated form of virtual reality enables the
customers to project themselves into the bodies of android replicas of
themselves, thus giving them the chance to experience the Wild West
firsthand.  As fate would have it, something goes awry, and Julian finds
himself placed inside the body of an attractive female android.  To be
specific, he is inside the body of a dancing girl - and dancing girls in the
nineteenth century sometimes moonlighted at a profession even older than

I'm sure there are bad TG stories on Usenet, but those that I have read are
almost always well written and extremely creative.  This probably has
something to do with the authors whose work I select.  Almost all TG stories
reflect on what a person might feel like if he (it's almost always a man)
suddenly changes his gender.  It becomes necessary for him to look at sexual
activities from a different perspective.  Guys who used to be exploitive in
their relationships with women have the opportunity to find their tender
side, and they eventually get the opportunity to be on the receiving rather
than the giving end of a fucking relationship.  This all happens in this
story against a background of both futuristic science fiction and an
old-fashioned cowboy story.

I found what I thought were some logical fallacies in this story.  For
example, Julian goes an awful long time without food.  I'm sure that if you
look closely, you'll find more.  But don't bother.  The "Back to the Future"
movies had major logical inconsistencies; but if I didn't look too hard, I
enjoyed those shows immensely.  The same thing is true here. Don't analyze
too much: just read the story and enjoy it.

A more serious annoyance arose from the fact that the author posted this
story in serial fashion.  This means that the author could not make
adjustments in earlier chapters when these became necessary because of later
plot developments.  This also necessitated occasional summaries that
disrupted the logical progression of the story.  For example, Part 8 begins
with several paragraphs that review the action up to that point.  This
information was necessary only because there had been a time lag between the
author's posting of the 7th and 8th parts; but since I was reading the story
consecutively, I did not need this summary, and it was distracting.  Finally,
I wasn't as impressed with the ending as I was with the rest of the story.  I
thought it was a bit forced.  I honestly believe that this sort of letdown is
likely to happen more often in serialized stories than when the author writes
the whole story before posting it.  

However these shortcomings are minor.  I suppose I just feel the urge to
lecture a really good author once in a while - kinda like the way I like to
tell my husband what he could have done better after he has given me a really
great rim job.  This is a really creative story.  Read it and enjoy it - even
if you're not a TG fan.

"Photos" by Luc7557 (  Madeline is a prominent author of
erotic stories, perhaps on this very newsgroup.  She has a cyberlover in
England, but she has no erotic photos to send him.  So she has asked Luc and
his faithful sidekick Gena to come to her house and take some photos.  The
rules are that Luc and Gena will just take photos - no funny business -
nobody will even touch Madeline.  However, Madeline still seems a bit shy -
she's hesitant to disrobe for the camera.  No problem, says Gena, as she
whips off her clothes; how can Madeline be nervous if the photographer's
assistant agrees to go naked for this photo shoot?  And so, two hours later
they have enough pictures to enable her to e-mail Chris one a day with his
breakfast until his next visit.

But wait a minute!  Suddenly Gena has snapped handcuffs and bondage shoes
onto Madeline.  Are they going to violate the terms of engagement?  No way!
 They could get bounced from the Erotic Photographers Union for pulling a
stunt like that. They just want a captive audience.  Maybe next time Madeline
can join in.  But tonight Luc and Gena just want her to watch - to watch, to
listen, and to imagine."  Ah, Gena gets really hot, and they change the
rules, but not too much....  Well, there's always next time.

This is a good story.  I found the second person ("you") point of view to be
extremely irritating.  As I progressed through the first part of the story, I
assumed I would have to dock the author several points somewhere for this
silly approach.  But the overall story turned out so good that I couldn't
decide where to dock him.  Instead I decided to give him straight 10's but to
make a point about the point of view.  It seems to me that the author
probably wrote this story for somebody else - probably somebody named
Madeline.  Madeline probably had about twelve orgasms while she read the
story and e-mailed back something like, "This is really good!  You oughta
publish it!"  And so he did.  The problem is that the story would have been
better had Luc considered that the other people reading this story would not
be Madelines.  In fact, some of them would be guys.  These future audiences
would be likely to find the original point of view (which was great for
Madeline) to be distracting.  I can see no reason whatsoever (other than that
it would take time) that this story couldn't be told in the third person.

Some authors (e.g., Plainman) do great things with the
first-and-second-person narratives; but they work hard to make these
"persons" have personality.  This author does not do that.  He just insists
that the reader take the point of view of Madeline.  I don't think that's a
good strategy.

On a completely different topic - For those of you who have no kids yet, let
me say that you are in for a thrill.  As soon as you or your beloved gives
birth to a progeny, somehow the photo companies will get your name and
they'll lay siege to your domicile, offering you wonderful prices on pictures
of your cute little bundle of joy.  Knowing that your baby is more beautiful
than any other, you'll sign up with one of these photographers for the
bargain package; but then your sweet little son or daughter will refuse to
smile or look remotely natural during the photo session.  Strategies
analogous to those employed in this story may come in handy on that occasion.
"Shelly's Sex Life" by Mike Hunt (M1KE  Shelly is not Mike's
type of woman, but she needs help with her sex life, and she persuades Mike
to help her.  When Mike helps her, Shelly is a fast learner: she quickly
BECOMES Mike's type of woman.  Imagine that.  

The first week's lesson focuses on attitude and oral sex.  The "lesson" is
sexy and just plain titillating.  Shelly does so well that next she wants to
study swallowing, tit-fucking, and anal sex.  Imagine that.

"Shelly's Trial" by Mike Hunt (M1KE  The author introduced the
eponymous but enticing Shelly in "Shelly's Sex Life" reviewed in CR 188.  If
you missed that story, you should find it and read it before this one.
 Otherwise you're stuck with the author's two-bit synopsis to bring you up to

The narrator's sex education program has been successful, and Shelly has
become a veritable sex kitten for her husband.  However, since he's a simple
minded financial genius, he has suspected that there must be a reason for the
change in his wife and has become upset over her "infidelity" (which was
really sexual therapy) and is suing for divorce.  The plot evolves through
courtroom testimony.  A particularly interesting device (for storytelling,
that is) is the courtroom transcript, which is read by one of those sexy
young ladies who so often serve as civil servants in American courtrooms and
engage in mild bondage with judges and witnesses during recesses.
 Incidentally, this stenographer eventually turns the tables on Mike - er,
the desk - that is, she turns Mike on the desk- you know: one of those
rolltop desks that sometimes have handcuffs in one of the draws.

I am not going to summarize this story any further.  I am not even going to
explain the meaning of this line:  "Then you're going to eat my cunt while I
blow MIKE HUNT." Read it yourself and enjoy it!  

This story fulfilled one of my fantasies.  I love it when this happens.  The
author fed me a straight line.  At the end of the story, the author has ten
Notes to Authors, which contain information and advice based on the main text
of the story.  Well, it almost makes me cum when I say this, but I have an
eleventh note for this author.  #11 Note to Authors #11:  "I like my sex
gentle and consentual."  It's consensual, not consentual.  Consensual means
that the person doing it has given her/his consent.  Consentual is actually a
word and has a similar meaning but implies a formal, legally binding
agreement.  I've read this author's stories.  Mike Hunt has never had
consentual sex in his life - except, perhaps, for a few minor exceptions with
his lovely wife, June.

I continue to be impressed by the creativity of this author!

"Sucker" by BronwenSM (  Live and learn, that's
what I always say. I've spent my life on this side of the pond.  I always
thought the British were much like the rest of us.  I read Shakespeare, of
course, but I always figured he's been dead for nearly a hundred years now,
and I figured the British didn't really talk that way.  I have always been
pretty sure that the people of the UK really liked us over here in the
colonies, because after all the American Revolution was really a fight
between a group of British subjects and a German King - the Germans, don't
get me off on them or I'll never get back to this review.  I figured MAYBE
the British talked in iambic pentameter and expressed their love in sonnets
and could actually understand what John Milton was talking about and sang
"Singing in the Rain" on those occasions when they raped somebody.  But even
though I often wondered how they got along with almost no real television and
why all the good musicians left the country as soon as they grew up, I knew
that deep down they were ordinary blokes, although I wasn't really sure
whether it was proper to refer to a female Brit as a bloke.  

I could go on, but the point is that along came BronwenSM, who has two
capital letters at the end of her name.  So right away I knew that I was
going to learn things about my confreres from the Mother Country.

Anyway, this is a story about a 16-year-old girl {that would probably be 17
in ordinary years, eh Mate?} who was formerly what we Americans call a plain
Jane.  While she's laid up {no sexual connotation, even in England} with
glandular fever, her body goes through what American talk shows {BBC Channel
2} sometimes call adolescent metamorphosis.  In short, she comes back a babe
- a young femme fatale, one might say - after spending some time convalescing
at huge tatty mansion on a cliff with a private beach of Aunt Dolly in Wales.
 Or, as a more astute British author might put it, during her hiatus she had
gone from the plainly porcine to lithe and lascivious loveliness. When she
returned to school, her impact on society was emphatic if not traumatic.
Great gangs of men on building sites shrieked at her like gibbons, old men
slipped off their Zimmer frames when she went into the post office, and her
terrifying chemistry master went red all the way up his neck whenever he
looked at her and then left a really embarrassing poem in my pigeon hole.

So when this bloke she fancied asked her to go swimming with him, she nearly
dropped down dead with delight.  See what I mean?  American teenagers would
simply cum in their panties, which doesn't even alliterate, as if they would
know what that means!  Way gone, dude!  I think I'm going to give up trying
to imitate the British style in this subtle manner and simply get on with it.
 After all, I have viewed the dismal situation and it is ours, as the Great
British Poet once said.

The boyfriend's name is Oliver, which is sometimes another name for John
Thomas (or, in America, Johnson or more informally Dick), and so this reminds
me of another story that I heard back in the 70's.  A man and a woman went on
their honeymoon - in Wales, I think.  After several hours of what the man
considered to be a most excellent First Night Experience with his virgin
bride, she went to the bathroom - I forget what the British call it - you
know, the crapper.  Anyway, the man looks over the newspaper for something to
do the next day, and he comes across an interesting movie.  So he shouts,
"Would you like to see "Oliver Twist," Luv?"  The wife replies, "You do one
more trick with that bloody thing, and I'm going home to my Mum."  {By Jove,
I think I got it!}

Anyway, Oliver develops an infirmity (the blood suddenly rushes to his
thing), and the young lady has to give him first aid.  She quickly becomes so
good at first aid that the boys are pretty much lining up to be serviced.  

This is an excellent story - both sexy and humorous.

Before I end this review, I'd like to say just one more thing about British
speech, which gets especially awkward when they ride bicycles.  For example,
I picked up this anecdote on another newsgroup: 

I was walking down the street with my wife the other day when we saw our
neighbor (a very genial Jamaican bloke) riding by on his bike. Suddenly the
bike flips and our poor neighbor finds himself spread eagled on the pavement.

My wife immediately said: "That black bloke's bike's back break block broke."

British people can actually SAY things like that!  Just imagine if the
Jamaican bloke would have been a bleached blond!

"Teacher" by Anne018 (  One of my favorite approaches for
hot sex stories is to have two scenes going at one time.  Mark Aster does
this by having Our Hero make love to one of the Allen sisters while the other
sister has passionate sex nearby with someone else.  The author alternates
between descriptions of both couples, and often the participants are
motivated by something one of the others does.  Many authors achieve a
similar effect by focusing on voyeurism: one couple gets hot and bothered
while watching another couple making love.  Plainman sometimes has three
sequences nested in his narratives.  

The present story uses a similar technique: While Anne is taking a walk with
Sandy, she describes to Sandy her experience of visiting another person to
help that person and a friend get over a cold feet problem during their
first-time lesbian tryst.  While you and I read the story, we get turned on
by the hands-on assistance Anne offers to the other couple; and meanwhile
Sandy has removed her top, her nipples have hardened, they have reached a
quiet place by the lake, and my pussy is becoming moist.  In other words, the
author combines the two sets of activities very effectively, and the effect
on the reader can be very nice indeed.

In short, at the most intense point of action, Anne is watching the two
novices and is getting all turned on, while she is fingering her pussy and
giving them instructions.  Those two people are lost in heavenly rapture.
 Sandy, who is getting hot and bothered listening to Anne retell this story,
begins to respond by removing some of her clothes and becoming increasingly
intimate with the storyteller.  Anne is getting turned on both by recalling
the original incident and by what Sandy is doing to her.  As the story
continues, these different storylines combine and interact.  Meanwhile, I as
the reader, am experiencing all of the above.

Like I said, it's an interesting approach.

One thing that I found to be really irritating in this story is that both the
person to whom Anne is narrating this story and one of the novices to whom
Anne gave instructions are named Sandy.  In real life this could happen, of
course; but in fiction, why not help the reader out by using two different
names?  Occasionally, I would hear someone asking, "Did Sandy do this?"
 Sometimes I had to stop and think which Sandy was talking.  In general,
however, the context helped me out, so that this wasn't as big a problem as
it might have been.  My advice to the author is to use the Replace function
on her word processor to change the novice Sandy to Penelope or Rachel or
maybe even Yvette.

"My Trusted Friend" by BronwenSM (  Ethics 101 Final Exam:
 Joe is a married man who hangs around with an unmarried person whom we shall
loosely refer to as a Lady Friend.  Although she is sexually active, the Lady
Friend respects Joe's fidelity to his marriage and refrains from sex with
him, but she frequently describes her sexual exploits and fantasies to Joe.
 One day they go to buy coke from Biker Dave. Believing that his Lady Friend
will enjoy the experience, Joe subdues her and lets the slimeball have sex
with her.  Comment on these events from the perspectives of Immanuel Kant
and/or Baruch Spinoza.  This is a very good story.

"Watching" by Tom Bombadil (  Excellent story!  This one is
going to make the final cut for the short story contest.  It's hot and
imaginative - with several double whammies.  I can't tell you anything else
without ruining it for you.  Check this one out!

"Wet T-Shirt Contest" by Mike Hunt (  There are some things
that people just don't really think about.  For example, the guy that pours
the water on the young ladies in a wet T-shirt contest has a hard job.  Not
only is it hard, it's also difficult.  He has to wet down the right parts and
only those parts of the contestants.  This requires technique.  This requires
savoir faire.

Which reminds me.  Mike Hunt gets really pissed when my reviews are funnier
or sexier or more literate or all of the preceding than his stories.  I'll
try to stop that, but it may be hard.  Nevertheless, since I've used a hard
word - I mean a difficult or unusual phrase - I think I had better explain
what "savoir faire" means.  My dictionary defines the concept as "knowing
just what to do in any situation; tact."  That definition doesn't do the term
justice.  I can do better with a series of examples:

If a Frenchman comes home and finds his wife in bed with another man and
says, 'Pardonnez moi!' that is ALMOST savoir faire.

If the same Frenchman instead says, 'Pardonnez moi.  Continuez, s'il vous
plait!'  that's EVEN CLOSER to savoir faire.

But if the Frenchman says, 'Pardonnez moi.  Continuez, s'il vous plait!'  and
then the other man - if he continuez, that IS savoir faire!

Anyway, savior faire and gaucherie aside, Mike Hunt was assigned the
responsibility of wetting the T-shirts during the contest, and he was working
hard <literally> while he performed his chores.

I have a friend who used to be a priest.  He once told me that he used to put
ice cubes into the baptismal water, because then the baby would yell out in
shock at the actual moment of baptism, and this would make it sound like the
devil was indisputably going out of the child.  Symbolism is wonderful.  Mike
Hunt likewise used ice cubes in his water during the contest, also to bring
out the devil, so to speak.  Cold tits are rich in symbolism.

Mike Hunt found that his job was easier if the girls cooperated.  For
example, if they stuck their chests way forward, then it was easier to keep
the water on their tits where it belonged, rather than on their hair or the

Big problem.  Contestant Number 3, a major character in this story, was
Francis from Phoenix, AZ.  I guess people can spell their own names anyway
they want; but unless this is a TG story, Number 3 was probably Frances.
 Sometimes people named Francis call themselves Fanny.  That name is in the
punchline of a joke about St. Peter and ladies applying for heaven, which was
told to me by the priest with ice cubes to whom I referred earlier in this

Well, as time went on, Mike Hunt got better and better at his job - I suppose
because he was working harder and harder.  He became really great at
tit-watering.  His main job during the contest was to bait the crowd, and he
quickly became a master at this task.  There may already be even more puns in
this review than there are in the story itself, and so I'll let you complete
this one about being a master at baiting.

So you may think this is a story about strippers and voyeurism and such.  But
it's not!  It's mostly a combination elevator-sex and phone-sex story.
 That's right.  After the contest Mike Hunt gets stuck on a crowded elevator
with Francis, and the elevator gets stuck between floors, and Francis's fanny
(see above) gets stuck into Mike Hunt, and....  Never mind, you can read the
story yourself.  I'll just tell you the other joke.

So these three women have died and have arrived before the gates of heaven,
where St. Peter interviews them.  {Peter could actually be a funny name in
this story, because some people refer to a dick as a peter, but that's not
relevant to this joke; so just assume that Peter is really the name of the
"person" who keeps a book of good and bad deeds at the gate of heaven.  

      Q. Who keeps the book at the Gate of Heaven?  
      A. No. What is the name of the person who keeps the book at 
          the Gate of Heaven.  Who is seated at the right hand of God.  

For more of this nonsense, read my story "Virtuous Reality," which includes
an interview with Madonna and which I recently reposted on a.s.s. and
a.s.s.m.}  Anyway, the first lady comes forward and St. Peter says to her,
"You were so selfish and avaricious that you were named Penny.  Depart to
hell for all eternity."  To the second lady St. Peter says, "You were such an
excessive and immoderate drinker of wine that you were named Sherry. Depart
to hell for all eternity."  The third woman just walks away.  St. Peter says,
"Where are you going?"  She replies, "Why bother? My name is Fanny."

"Zipless Fuck" by Doug (parapuke repost). A zipless fuck occurs when the
fucker doesn't know the fuckee, there is no meaningless chatter, and there is
no playing games. The two people see each other, they are attracted to each
other, and they fuck each other. In the quintessential zipless fuck the
participants don't even speak to each other. They may never even see one
another again, but it doesn't matter, because they both got what they wanted.
 A zipless fuck is extremely romantic in an unromantic sort of way.

This is a story of a zipless fuck.  Having defined it, what else can I say?
 It's pretty hot stuff.

I myself have never done a zipless fuck. However, I have been a participant
in numerous ultra-zipless fucks.  A UZF is everything that a ZF is, with the
addition that not only do we UZFers not know each other or talk about it, we
don't even actually do it. For that matter, my partner often doesn't even
know I am having a UZF with him/her/them. I just plan it and work out the
details in my perverted little mind.  Think about it!  Gotcha!  You may have
just been the victim of a UZF!

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