Madam Jillinghoff’s

Bedroom Rhymes


By Jacqueline Jillinghoff


To the memory of Linda B. Miss you, Brown-Eyed Girl.



Madam Jillinghoff’s Bedroom Rhymes were suggested by a reading of The Real Mother Goose, as illustrated by Blanche Fisher Wright. It was delightful and thought-provoking to rediscover rhymes I had long forgotten, or had never heard recited in full, and even more so to read for the first time verses I hadn’t known at all. Almost at once I began to think in terms of erotic parody, which, over time, fell into three main groups. In the first, the smallest, I took existing rhymes (“Polly Flinders,” “Roger and Dolly”), reproduced them verbatim and added a few lines. The second group, slightly larger, consists of verses that are original in content but obviously modeled on Mother Goose, such as “Frumpy Dumpy,” “Cheerleader Tiffany,” and “Misty McGuffin.” The longest and most elaborate of these is “Existential Nude Female,” a retelling of “The Old Woman and The Pedlar.”


All of the rhymes in the first two groups appear at the front of the collection, after the introductory sea shanty, “The Lay of Mary Dawkins.”


The poems in the third and largest group are wholly original, though they remain grounded in the world of children’s verse through traditional meters and rhyme schemes. This group begins with “Susie, Suzie, Sleepyhead” and goes to the end of the collection. There are also a few sports, like “Emily Dickinson’s Sex Life,” “The Changeling,” and “The Beautiful Youth of the Sonnets,” that were suggested by other sources.



   Jacqueline Jillinghoff

April 13, 2015




The Lay of Mary Dawkins

When I was a girl, I dressed as a boy

And ran away to sea.

I learned my ropes aboard a ship

They called the Saint Maree.


She sailed from Philadelphia

To fetch some China tea

With fifty able-bodied men

As randy as could be.


We’d barely weathered Lewes’ Cape

Before I had the shock

Of seeing one man kneeling down

To suck another’s cock.


The men grew lustier each day,

And as we reached the Horn

They pumped the bilge as naked

As the day that they were born.


The captain kept me for himself.

He called me to his side.

“A pretty, beardless boy,” he said,

“Will make a handsome bride!”


But when he loos’d my pantaloons

He got a big surprise.

Astonishment and sheer delight

Were writ upon his eyes.


“Why, you’re no lad!” the captain cried.

“ ’Tis plain for all to see!

At last we’ll have a proper shag

Aboard the Saint Maree!


He stripped me bare and threw me down

Upon the captain’s bunk

And sucked my tits and kissed my cunt

And showered me with spunk.

And then he called the second mate

And showed him what he’d found

And gave the order, “Rouse the crew

And pass the slut around!”


I came a dozen times that day.

I came a hundred later.

And the men who sail Magellan’s Straits

Have never sailed them straighter.


Frumpy Dumpy

Frumpy Dumpy loved a great lay,

Frumpy Dumpy had a great day,

Availing herself of the phallic resources

Of all the king’s men, and all the king’s horses.


Cheerleader Tiffany

Cheerleader Tiffany, come, shake your cans!

The team’s on the field, the crowd’s in the stands.

Where is she, now that they’re ready to rock?

Under the bleachers, sucking cock!



I play with my kitty.

She’s so warm and sweet.

She sits in my lap,

And I give her a treat.

I pet her and stroke her

And tickle her nose,

And soon I’m in heaven,

Curling my toes.


All through the evening

And all the next day,

Kitty and I will happily play.

Kitty will purr

While I set to humming,

And I and my Kitty —

Oh fuck it I’m coming!


Misty McGuffin

Misty McGuffin

Buttered her muffin

High on a kitchen stool.


She stuck in her thumb

And made herself come

And said, “Girls fucking rule!”


Existential Nude Female

There was a girl, I’ve heard it said,

Who bravely kept her maidenhead.

She kept it pure, and she kept it clean

Until she was almost seventeen.


And then her high school football star

Took her to a college bar,

And when her head was turned, he threw

A rufie in her Mountain Dew.


She woke up on the football grounds.

Her clothes were nowhere to be found.

Her cell phone, too, and keys were gone,

And all the stadium lights were on.


“Oh my!” she said. “I’m in a jam.

I can’t remember who I am.

A girl like me, without her clothes —

Who she is, nobody knows.


“But I’ve an aunt who lives nearby.

She can tell me who am I.

But if she won’t, which cannot be,

I’ll know my body isn’t me.”


The girl ran naked through the night

Until the aunt’s house came in sight.

“Aunt,” she called, “please come and see,

And tell me if my body’s me.”


“The niece I know,” the aunt replied,

“Would never be caught dead outside

Without her clothes. It’s clear to me

Your naked body isn’t she.”


With that, the woman slammed the door

And left the girl alone once more.

“Oh no!” the girl began to cry.

“My naked body isn’t I!”


A Little Man

He was a little man, but he was hung, hung, hung,

And he grabbed a little chippie who was young, young, young.


When he filled her little pussy she would shout, shout, shout,

And she begged him never ever pull it out, out, out.


But he spun her ’round and fucked her little bum, bum, bum,

And the pain-us in her anus made her cum, cum, cum.


Milquetoast Mort

Milquetoast Mort

Was very short.

His wife was very svelte.


And every night

He bound her tight

And gagged her with his belt.



One misty, moisty midnight

When foggy was the weather,

I met a mannish biker dyke

All dressed up in leather.


She took me out behind the bar

And socked me on the chin.

Make me hurt and make me hurt

And make me hurt again.


Piddle Piddle Pumpkin

Piddle piddle pumpkin, fair Siobhan

Slept in the meadow with nothing on

Except for a pair of green-striped socks,

As the boys stood ’round her, hard as rocks.


Chlorophyll Grass

Chlorophyll Grass

Had a beautiful ass,

And a beautiful ass she had.


Its photo was seen

In a men’s magazine,

Where it drove all the little boys mad.


A stalker named Giles

Traveled three thousand miles

To be counted as Chlorophyll’s suitor,


But was shattered to find

That her gorgeous behind

Had been built on a laptop computer.


A Girl’s Alphabet

A is for Anthill, the tiniest mound.

B’s a Bit Bigger, pointed but round.

C’s give you Cleavage, the heavenly gutter.

D’s are the Domes that make men think of Mutter.

E is for Extra Large Eggs in a sack.

F is for Fullness that bothers your back.

G is Gigantic, like two Granite boulders.

H is so Heavy the straps cut your shoulders.


I is Impossible.


Yankee Diddle

Yankee Diddle went to town

To flirt with Peggy Shippen,

Caught her balling Gen’ral Howe

And gave them both a whippin’.


Yankee Diddle loves the girls,

May unto December.

Yankee Diddle, keep it up

(By which we mean your member).


Off he sailed across the Pond

To flip the Queen the bird,

Stuck a feather in her kootch,

Which tickled George the Third.


Yankee Diddle loves his country. 

He’s our Yankee booster.

Yankee Diddle, raise the flag

(By which we mean your rooster).


Andy Krupp

Andy Krupp, a randy pup,

Screwed the girls and knocked them up.


Then their fathers came to see him.

Now he’s in a mausoleum.


Old Mr. Moorehouse

Old Mr. Moorehouse

Went to the whorehouse

To give his poor boner a lift.

But he grew apprehensive,

And whores are expensive,

And so his poor boner went pfft!


He went to the corner

To get some more cash;

When he came back

The girls were all smashed.


He went to the diner

To get them some javas;

When he came back

They wore balaclavas.


He went to the baker’s

To buy them some scones;

When he came back

They had dressed up as nuns.


He went to the sweet shop

To buy them s’mores;

When he came back

They were wearing chadors.


He went to the sex shop

To purchase some clamps;

When he came back

They all had the cramps.


He went to the drug store

To buy them some pills;

When he came back

They were paying their bills.


He logged on to Facebook

To give them a “like”;

When he logged off

The girls were on strike.


He telephoned Wall Street

To find them a broker;

When he hung up

They were playing strip poker.


He went to the grocer’s

To get them some food;

When he came back

They were totally nude.


He called his connection

To buy them some drugs;

When he came back

They were pinching their dugs.


He went to the jeweler’s

To buy them some bling;

When he came back,

They laughed at his thing.


He went to the shelter

To get them a pup;

When he came back,

The girls tied him up.


They spanked him. They whipped him.

They forced him to bow.

“Bad dog!” said the hookers.

The man said, “Bow-wow!”  


Polly Flinders, the Director’s Cut

Little Polly Flinders
Sat among the cinders,
Warming her pretty little toes;
Her mother came and caught her
And was angry with her daughter
For soiling her nice new clothes.


So taking out her whip,

She made her daughter strip

And threw the naked child o’er her knees,

And she gave her such a thrashing

And a vicious verbal lashing

That Polly ever more preferred to freeze.


Roger and Dolly

Young Roger came knocking at Dolly’s window.

Thumpety, thumpety, thump!

He asked for admittance. She answered him, “No!”

Frumpety, frumpety, frump!

“No, no, Roger, no, as you came you may go!”

Stumpety, stumpety, stump!

She made him so angry, he called her a ho.

Strumpety, strumpety, strump!

Which tickled her so much she gave him a throw.

Humpety, humpety, hump!


Tickle Game

Tickle-ee, tickle-ee on your knee —

If you laugh, you don’t love me.


Tickle-ee, tickle-ee on your thigh —

If you laugh, you’ll make me cry.


Tickle-ee, tickle-ee on your sex —

If you laugh, you’ll miss what’s next.


Suzie, Suzie, Sleepyhead

Suzie, Suzie, sleepyhead,

Take off your nightgown and climb into bed.


I’ll read you one story,

I’ll sing you two rhymes,

I’ll give you three cookies

And kiss you four times —


Once on your tummy,

Twice on your knees,

And once on the button

That makes you sneeze.


Spanking Song

Prepare yourself, young lady,

For a spanking from your Dad.

You are naughty! naughty! naughty!

And you’re bad! bad! bad!


He’ll turn your tender bottom red

And set your head awhirl.

You’re a dirty! dirty! dirty!

Little girl! girl! girl!


And if you cry or whimper

He will spank you all the more.

You’re a filthy! filthy! filthy!

Little whore! whore! whore!


Over the Hedge

The neighbors’ girl Jude

Hung their laundry out nude,

While her kid sister Rose

Washed their car without clothes.


Was there ever a guy

As happy as I?


My Daughter Dawn

My daughter Dawn

Has nothing on.

Not caring to hide,

She wanders outside,

Where she catches the eye

Of a boy driving by

Who’s so greatly disturbed

That his car jumps the curb

And rolls up on our lawn,

Where it flattens poor Dawn.


Little Johnny Jerk-Off

“Little Johnny Jerk-off,

What are you holding?

If your mother finds out,

She will give you a scolding.”


“She can holler and threaten,

I care not a drop,

For I’d gladly be yelled at

Rather than stop.”


“Little Johnny Jerk-off,

Spurting and dripping.

If your mother finds out,

She will give you a whipping.”


“She can spank me and beat me,

I really don’t mind.

For rather than stop,

I would gladly go blind.”


Wood Pussy

Wood Pussy, Wood Pussy, how do you do?

You’re just an old skunk, but I’m like you.

Guys take me out to the forest to screw,

And everyone calls me a Wood Pussy, too.


Young Anna Partridge

Young Anna Partridge climbed up a tree,

And the boys down below were delighted to see


That her feet, and her legs, and her bottom were bare,

For she had on a dress, but no underwear.


From one narrow angle they were able to catch

A shadowy glimpse of her smooth, hairless snatch.


Did it get them excited? Well, how could it not,

To look up and look at a little girl’s twat?


So, huddled together, they played a new game:

They took out their wieners and jacked till they came.


Anna looked down and laughed, and was happy to be

The most beautiful blossom they saw in the tree.


And many years later, as Christmas drew near,

And carolers caroled, a song caught her ear,


And Anna remembered that spring day when she

Bared the peach on a Partridge in a Pear Tree.


Anatomy Lesson

Here are the mountains,

Here is the plain,

Here is the well that catches the rain.

Here is the forest,

Here is the bog,

And here’s the tiny acorn —





Anatomy Lesson, Too

Here is where the baby eats,

Here is where she grew,

Here’s the little slot

Daddy’s penis went through.


Here is where the Mommy poops,

Here is where she pisses,

And here’s the spot that makes her come,

Which Daddy always misses.


Danielle, Danielle

Danielle, Danielle,

A pretty young belle,

Walked into school one day

Au naturel.


The girls said, “Disgusting!”

The boys said, “Hooray!”

And Danielle’s favorite teacher

Gave her an “A.”


Kitty and the Soldier

Wherein the symbolism is laid on a bit thick


A curly-haired kitty who lived in the valley

Went to the city and walked through the alley,


Where stood a tall soldier in purple and red,

With bulbous black boots and a helm on his head.


“Kitty,” said he, “if I may be so bold,

With your rosy-pink nose and your ringlets of gold,


What are you doing alone in the city —

A perilous place for a tender young kitty?”


“I’m taking this basket,” the kitten replied,

“To my sister, who lives on the Lower East Side.”


“And what does your basket contain, if you please?”

“Cherries and berries and soft runny cheese.”


“Then give me a taste,” the soldier requested.

“I promise you’ll go on your way unmolested.” 


The kitten refused him without thinking twice,

And he called her a name that was not very nice.


But she laughed, and she mewed as she ran away quick,

“I might be a pussy, but you’re a BIG DICK.”


Peeping Tom

Peeping Tom went out at night

To see what folks were doing.

He watched the children take their baths

And caught their parents screwing.


He spied on teenage girls and boys

Drinking beer and doping,

Then getting horny on the sofa,

Making out and groping;


And office women, home from work

And taking off their clothes —

Shoes and blouses, skirts and bras,

Briefs and pantyhose.


Peeping Tom was just like God,

A creeping, unseen seer,

Until the night the cops were called,

And ended his career.


The Sweater-Breasted Robin

My mother is a prostitute,

My father is a pimp,

My sister makes erotic films,

And I walk with a limp.


I tried to go to college

To have my choice of jobs,

But the Sweater-Breasted Robin said

That college is for snobs.


“Fiddle dee doo!” the Robin sang.

“Fiddle dee doo! Dee-lay!

If you keep your children safe at home,

They’ll never go astray!”


So my mother taught me all she knew,

My sister did the same,

My father got me hooked on smack

And put me in the game.


“Fiddle dee doo!” the Robin sang.

“Fiddle dee doo! Dee doo!

If you keep your children safe at home,

They’ll turn out just like you!”


Daddy’s Girl

In nothing but a pair of pumps

I spin around the pole.

The old guys crumple dollar bills

And toss them at my hole.


For twenty, while the music plays,

I’ll lie across your lap,

And squirm and writhe and wriggle till

Your pants are full of sap.


I loved the hungry, haunted stares,

And dancing was a ball.

Then one night Dad showed up and learned

I don’t work at the mall.


He called me “tramp” and “slut” and “whore”

And ordered me back home.

But I was cool, because I knew

Exactly why he’d come.


I took him to the back room

For a special, private show,

And when he staggered out again,

His face was all aglow.


My Daddy gave his favorite girl

A hundred-dollar tip,

And now he’s in here every night

To watch his baby strip.


A Nun’s Story

Sister Grace and Mother Claire

Stayed in bed till evening prayer.

Shrieking rent the convent air.

Who knows what went on in there?


Mr. Z.

My homeroom teacher, Mr. Z.,

Touched me inappropriately.


He fondled my pussy, my titties and tail,

And I hope he enjoyed it,

’Cause now he’s in jail.


Spanky and Wanky

Spanky and Wanky, identical twins,

Were perfect sluts with chiseled chins

And shapely butts and luscious tits

And silver rings on shaven slits.


Each one had a special kink,

But wait: It’s not quite what you think.

For clarity and sense were lost

When their fetishes and names were crossed.


Spanky liked to wank the cock

Of everyone from nerd to jock,

While Wanky loved to spank their cans

With paddles, straps, or her bare hands.


Which led to great confusion when

The sisters went on dates with men

Who didn’t know what to expect

And whose requests were incorrect.


“Spank me, Spanky!” they would say,

But Spanky turned and walked away.

Or “Wanky,” they’d say, “wank me off,”

And Wanky’d only sit and scoff.


At last, the girls grew sick of it

And said together, “Fuck this shit!

Let’s stay inside, and lose the clothes,

And give each other cheery O’s.”


So “Wank me, Spanky,” Wanky said,

And Spanky gave her sister head.

And “Spank me, Wanky!” Spanky cried,

And Wanky tanned her sister’s hide.


Two Cherry Pies

Mary baked a cherry pie.

Carrie told her, “So did I.”


“Oh!” said Mary. “How divine!

I’ll eat yours if you eat mine.”


The hungry girls lay side by side

And ate each other’s cherry pie.


Their fingers and their faces, too,

Were quickly smeared with cherry goo,


And when they sucked their cherry stones,

They filled the house with sighs and groans.


Anna Crusis

Anna Crusis washed her hoosis

Lying in the tub.

She dug the way the shower spray

Massaged her swollen nub.


From Paraguay to Hudson Bay

And Kiev to Carolina,

I never knew a woman who

Had such a clean vagina.


What I Want

My pussy, my cunny, my tunnel of love

Is what I can’t stop thinking of.


Look at it, lick at it, lap it until

It gives me a dirty and devilish thrill.


Clutch my clitoris, twiddle my twat.

Fuck me like hell with whatever you’ve got.


I’ll wail and I’ll ooze, I’ll gasp and I’ll cream.

I’ll climax and come with a shattering scream.


In all of creation there’s nothing I want

As much as a blast from my fabulous cunt.


Alison Flit

Alison Flit

Was a redheaded chit

Who wouldn’t go out and play,


Preferring instead

To lie naked in bed,

Where she came seven times in one day.


“Alison dear,

Your friends are all here,”

Her mother called up the stairs.


“I’m not coming out,”

She heard Alison shout.

“You can tell them I’m saying my prayers.”


Though her daughter deceived her,

The mother believed her

’Pon pressing her ear to the door.


For she couldn’t deny

She heard Alison cry,

“Oh please, dear God, one more!”


Cousin Edwina

Cousin Edwina,

Like Pallas Athena,

Enjoyed going topless

Upon the Acrop’lis.


Build Your Vocabulary!

I’d pay those teens

To take off their jeans,


Or that hot little flirt

To lift up her skirt,


Or that nasty young slut

To show me her butt


If they were all just a smidgen

More callipygian.


Build Your Vocabulary Some More!

None’s better at apodyopsis

Than the giant Cyclops is.

He peeks through windows stories high,

Undressing women with his eye,

And lustfully begins to stroke

A boner bigger than an oak.



A drop of lotion

And circular motion

Applied to the clit

Will cause a fit.


 Little Boy, Little Girl

“Little boy, little boy, where did you go?”

“I stepped outside to pee in the snow.”

“Little boy, little boy, what did you write?”

“ ‘I’m horny as cattle,’ in yellow and white.”


“Little girl, little girl, where did you go?”

“I went with my grandfather out to the show.”

“Little girl, little girl, what did you see?”

“A dirty old man who kept fingering me.”


What Do Girls Complain Of?

What do girls complain of?

Oh, what do girls complain of?

“When boys fuck our cunts

We barely come once.”

And that’s what girls complain of.


And what do the little girls brag of?

Oh, what do the little girls brag of?

“If they leave us alone,

We come scads on our own.”

And that’s what the little girls brag of.


Oh, My Pretty, Handsome Boy

Oh, my pretty, handsome boy,

Who say that you adore me,

If that is true, I’m begging you:

Please don’t come before me!


Teacher Sally

For shakytgirl


Teacher Sally, expert in

Grammatical construction,

Was also mistress of the art

Of lesbian seduction.


She took a class of twenty girls

Reviewing verbal functions,

And ultimately led them all

Through feminine conjunctions.


Tiberius Caesar

Tiberius Caesar

Was a horny old geezer

Who dwelled on the Isle of Capri,

Surrounded by scads

Of lasses and lads

Kept naked by Caesar’s decree.


From two or three paces

He’d come on their faces

And laugh with imperial glee.

And they’d never complain,

Or he’d have them all slain,

Such a fun-loving ruler was he!


The Three Russian Women

A trio of rockers

And sexual shockers

Incited a Pussy Riot,


But were left in the lurch

When they broke into church

And demanded a Putin-free diet.


Collective Nouns

A grouping of schoolgirls

Is known as a “passel.”


A number of schoolboys

Gives you a “hassle.”


Put them together

And you’ve got a “capture,”


And if they get naked,

You’re seeing a “rapture.”


The Hunter and the Schoolhouse

A hunter went a-hunting

And came upon a brood

Of children playing in the woods,

And every one was nude.


He asked them where they came from.

They pointed through the wood

At a little rustic schoolhouse where

Their naked mistress stood.


She smiled when she saw him

And gestured with her arms

As if to say, “There’s no one here,

And who is being harmed?”


So the children gathered ’round him

And led him up the lane,

And the hunter and his hunting dogs

Were never seen again.


Uncle Randy

Bessie’s father had a friend.

She called him Uncle Randy.

He gave her quarters, books, and toys,

And bits of chocolate candy.


And when her father went to work

And left him home with Bess,

He sat her down upon his lap

And felt her up her dress.


The Clever Girl

My mommy’s boyfriend tucks me in

And sits with me to read a while.

He thinks his kindness sucks me in,

But I know he’s a pedophile.


What’s a Girl to Do?

Dorothy Deere was very queer.

So was Patti Patchett.

When Dorothy’s ditch began to itch,

Patti just had to scratch it.


Katie Koppe got awfully sloppy

Kissing Connie Cricket.

Katie’s cooze began to ooze,

So Connie just had to lick it.


Marianne and Caroline

Marianne and Caroline

Curled up in a sixty-nine

And gave each other tender kisses

On their tiny clitorises.


Japanese Schoolgirls

Japanese schoolgirls standing in a row,

Each with her black hair tied in a bow.

They aren’t wearing panties, so they’re naked down below,

And when they hold their skirts up, Hello Kitty says “Hello!”


Japanese schoolgirls are very pretty creatures

With golden skin and almond eyes and incandescent features,

Sitting humbly at their desks like studious beseechers,

Or peeling off their uniforms for honorable teachers.


A Very, Very Short Rhyme


On me.


I’m but

A slut.


She Wore a Yellow Raincoat

She wore a yellow raincoat,

A floppy yellow hat,

A pair of shiny yellow boots —

And nothing more than that.


She undid her yellow buttons

On misty, yellow nights,

And strolled outside and flashed herself

Beneath the yellow lights.


I’m Such a Naughty Schoolgirl

I’m such a naughty schoolgirl.

I’m very, very bad.

My mind is never on my work.

My teacher’s always mad.


I’m staring out the window.

My thoughts are miles away.

I’m dreaming of the things I’ll do

When I get home and play:


I’ll find my favorite dolly.

I’ll take her from the shelf.

I’ll get in bed and kiss her while

I’m playing with myself.


I really don’t have ADD.

I’m really not a dummy.

It’s just that when I touch myself

It feels so fucking yummy.


I’m flunking out of science.

I’ll get a D in Lit.

But I’ll ace my favorite subject,

Which is Fingering My Clit.


Kiwi Berry

Kiwi Berry lost her cherry

To Cal — or was it Ken?

The shame of it all was she couldn’t recall.

She had slept with so many men.


It might have been Jack, or well-hung Zack.

It might have been Liam or Stu —

Or Immanuel Kant or Ulysses S. Grant

For all the poor girl knew.


And then there was Wade, the kid in eighth grade

On whom she developed a crush,

And even a dyke everybody called Mike,

Who would penetrate girls with a brush.


“Well, first or last, they are all in the past,”

She finally had to say.

“What matters is how many men I have now,

And how much they’re willing to pay.”



Boxcar Betty,

Backseat Sue

Want to get it on with you.


Strippers, escorts,

Girls galore —

Co-eds, trannies, dommes and more.


Give it to them

Good and hard!

AmEx, Visa, MasterCard.



BJ Nalls

Sucked my balls,


Gave my dick

A little lick,


Brushed the tip

Across her lip,


Gave the shank

A sudden yank,


And wore my jit

Upon her tit.


Narcissa Shearer

A beauty named Narcissa Shearer

Stripped before a three-way mirror.


She watched herself from sides and front

Stuff her fingers up her cunt.


She flicked her tongue. She licked her lips.

She squeezed her tits. She teased her nips.


She turned and took delighted peeks

At half a dozen flawless cheeks


And never showed as much affection

As when she kissed her own reflection.


A vain and silly girl, perhaps,

But, oh! She came like thunderclaps.


And when she couldn’t anymore,

She bought some bras and left the store.


The Bells

For the SSJ and the OSFS


Ding! says the bell of Saint Vincent’s,

Where the orphans are losing their innocence.


Dong! says the bell of Saint Aidan’s,

Where the sisters are whipping the maidens.


Ring! says the bell at Ignatius,

Where the priests and the boys are fellatious.


Wrong! says the bell at Saint Helen’s,

Where the clergy are sexual felons.


The Origin of Christianity

On the occasion of Pope Benedict’s retirement


“Hail, Mary, full of grace —

What’s that white stuff on your face?

Steady, woman! I’ll be blessed!

You seem mightily distressed.”


“Rabbi, please forgive my sin.

My husband’s seed is on my chin.

Just now, in our marriage bed,

I gave my man a little head.”


“Woman, don’t be so perplexed.

There’s nothing wrong with oral sex.”


“But when my Joseph shot his wad,

He cried out, ‘Holy Mother of God!’

Our little Jesus overheard.

He took his father at his word,

And now he thinks that I gave birth

To the Lord and Savior of the Earth.”


The Changeling

My daughter went to bed one night

As innocent as child’s play,

And while she slept, the fairies came

And stole my little girl away.


And in her place the fairies left

A proud, disdainful Fairy Queen

With coltish legs and budding breasts

Who crowned herself The Royal Teen.


Her Highness broke my every rule

On curfew and frugality,

While flaunting (just to prove she could)

Her blooming sexuality


In midriff-baring halter top

And leather micro-miniskirt

That flashed her pussy when she sat

And got my dick so hard it hurt.


She saw the way I looked at her

And felt the power beauty brings.

She wrapped her arms around my neck

And whispered, “Daddy, buy me things.”


She made me bow and lick her feet.

She made me beg, she made me crawl.

A worthless piece of shit, she said,

But in the end, I won it all —


She deigned to let me kiss her butt

And even sniff her pussy hole.

And all it cost me in return

Was, first, my pride, and then my soul.


Sweet-Tooth Lucy

Sweet-Tooth Lucy Proust

Is easily seduced.


A cherry Tootsie Pop

Will get you in her top.


Give the girl a Snickers,

And she’ll remove her knickers.


For half a Bit-O-Honey

She’ll let you taste her cunny.


A fun-size Milky Way

Will guarantee a lay,


And if you’ve got some Bosco,

She’ll lick it off your roscoe.


The Ancient Fisherman

A broken man in tattered clothes,

Gray and underfed,

Caught me staring down the bar,

And this is what he said:


“Go ahead and stare at me.

Everybody does.

Stake me to another round;

I’ll tell you how it was.


“Thank you — My misfortune struck

When I was twenty-three

And made my living catching cod

Miles out at sea.


“A dark and foggy day it was.

I hoisted in the seine

And swore I heard a woman cry

In terror and in pain.


“Impossible, I told myself.

They don’t exist, and yet

There she was — my hand to God! —

Tangled in the net.


“Her hair was long and shining gold

Like sunlight on the sea.

Her breasts were bare and evidently

Made for buoyancy.


“But more than this, what froze my heart

And brought to mind my sins

Was the sight, below her slender waist,

Of scales and caudal fins.


“‘You mortal boy,’ the mermaid said,

‘I am a magic fish.

Cut me loose and I will grant you

Anything you wish.’


“I sliced away the coiled lines

That held her by the neck

And asked her to make love to me,

Once, upon the deck.


“‘You’re very handsome,’ she replied,

‘But oh! I’m sad to say

That while I’d love to grant your wish,

I’m just not made that way.’


“I was a simple lad back then.

Not thinking what I said,

I dropped my pants and blurted out,

‘How ’bout a little head?’


“‘Done!’ the fiendish creature cried.

She snapped her fins at me,

And ere I grasped the horrid truth,

She dove into the sea.


“And now my glass is empty.

And now my tale is through.

And now you know the reason why

My hat size is a two.”


Good Girls Eat Their Vegetables

I love carrots, zucchini, and beets.
I love broccoli, onions, and leeks.
But of all the foods in the produce aisle
Cucumbers are the most versatile.
Not only can you slice them and eat them,
But as vegetable dildos, you just can't beat them.


Fiona’s Revenge

Fiona had a fugly face,
The fugliest on earth.
Her fugly face could scare a wart hog
Into giving birth.
Fiona had a fugly face,
But here is what’s so odd —
Despite her fugly, fugly face,
She had a smokin’ bod.
Her waist was slim, her legs were long,
Her breasts were perfect C’s.
Her finely sculpted derriere
Brought armies to their knees.
Her flawless skin (below the chin)
Was smooth ceramic tile,
And every man who knew her begged
To do her doggie-style.
But Fiona shook her fugly head
And gave them this reply:
“To fuck this perfect body, you 
Must look me in the eye!”


The Seasons

The weather is cool in the autumn.

The weather is warm in the spring.

The weather is hot in the summer.

In winter, the wind will sting.


I wear woolen panties in winter.

I wear cotton panties in spring.

I wear satin panties in autumn.

In summer, I don’t wear a thing.


Mistress Lorelei

Of all the bitches in the world

Who ever made me cry,

I’ve never known a crueler bitch

Than Mistress Lorelei.


In leather cape and camisole

And heels six inches high,

She stamped my buttocks “Property

Of Mistress Lorelei.”


I live in strict obedience

And never dare defy

The harsh command or slightest whim

Of Mistress Lorelei —


Or naked, gagged, and hung in chains,

And bound about the eye,

I feel the heartless, stinging lash

Of Mistress Lorelei.


I’m nothing but a worthless slave,

But how can I deny

There’s none I worship half so much

As Mistress Lorelei?



Brigid’s dad told Brigid

Brigid’s mom was frigid.


Brigid told her dad

Brigid would be glad


To act as Brigid’s mother

And be her father’s lover.


Brigid’s mom told Brigid

She really wasn’t frigid.


It’s just that she’d prefer

To have herself a her.


Brigid told her mother

She’d be her mother’s lover.


Brigid, straight and queer,

Is Daughter of the Year.


Amy Pruitt

Little Amy Pruitt

Heard her parents do it

As she lay in bed beside her sister Maddie.


When her mother screamed

Amy Pruitt dreamed

That she was in there making love to Daddy.


And so, one rainy day

When her mother was away,

Amy Pruitt took off every stitch.


She went to find her Daddy,

But she caught him fucking Maddie,

And she yelled her older sister was a bitch.


Her father only smiled.

Then he taught his younger child

The most important thing she’d ever learn:


That nothing is as gleesome

As a dad-on-daughter threesome

And every good girl comes who waits her turn.


The Pool

For Dennis and Dee


Our township has a school

With an indoor swimming pool

So the kids can swim in every sort of weather.


We enforce a simple rule

At this co-ed swimming pool:

Swimmers must be in the altogether.


It’s very entertaining

To watch the swimmers training,

And people come from miles around to see.


To obey a rule to strip

Just to come and take a dip —

How stupid do these students have to be?



After Robert Creeley


Oh, one, two, three! Oh, one, two, three!

Three young girls sat naked in a tree.


Straddling the branches, grinding on the bark,  

They sang like birds from noon till dark.


Lizzie’s First Bra

Lizzie was eleven when

She got her first brassiere,

And just like that, as if by magic,

Boys began to leer.


“Boys are stupid,” Lizzie said.

“It isn’t hard to prove it.

They say they want to see my bra,

Then beg me to remove it.”


Little Tommy Tucker

Little Tommy Tucker

Was a real motherfucker,

And it wasn’t just because he played the trumpet.


After every jazzy jam, he

Would run home to his mammy,

Who would soothe his fevered brow with tea and crumpet.


Scarlet and Violet

Scarlet wore blue socks.

Violet wore red.

They shed their clothes

And went to bed.


What fun they had!

They came at last

But heard their husbands

And got dressed fast.


The guys weren’t fooled.

They readily guessed

Their wives had stripped

And then re-dressed —


For Violet wore a red sock.

She also wore a blue.

Scarlet looked down,

And she did, too.


Study Hall

Almost every afternoon,

Depending on her mood,

Jeannie comes home after school

And studies in the nude.


She told her favorite teacher,

And he was so impressed

He organized a study hall

Where everyone undressed.


Studying is cool again,

Especially in pairs.

It hasn’t helped our grades at all,

But no one really cares.


Girl Scout Cookies

A pair of pretty Girl Scouts

In pretty Girl Scout clothes

Showed up at my door one day

To sell me Do-si-dos.


Their eyes were wide and shining.

They giggled quite a lot,

And when I asked them why, they said

They’d both been smoking pot.


“Well, come inside,” I told them,

 “And we’ll smoke a little more.”

The three of us got wholly wasted

Sitting ’round the floor.


They easily convinced me

To buy their every box

By stripping down to nothing

But their green berets and socks.


I’m glad I spent the money, though,

For after tea and nooky,

We tore the boxes open

And ate every fucking cookie.


Sex in the Industrial Age

Katie didn’t understand

Why sex was thought to be so grand.


Her girlfriends couldn’t live without it,

But Katie never thought about it,


Until one summer afternoon

She ran home under a monsoon.


She took off all her wet attire,

And threw it in the washer-dryer,


And while her clothes were getting clean

She sat on top of the machine.


The gentle, throbbing agitation

Was a pleasurable sensation,


But soon it grew to something more

That rattled Katie to the core.


“Oh, God!” she groaned. “It’s getting good!”

And finally she understood.


Her moans arose from deep within

Throughout the laundry’s final spin.


And ever since, her parents say,

She’s always home on washing day.


St. Genevieve

Genevieve de Bergerac

Was quite a nymphomaniac.


She slept with the nobility

Of England, France, and Germany —


Dukes and earls, kings and queens —

When barely in her middle teens,


An ever wet and willing slut

For Lords and Ladies in a rut.


But when she died, the peasants came

To mourn her loss and bless her name.


They call her Genevieve the Lewd,

Patron Saint of the Royally Screwed.


A Day Out

Daisy and Faye rode out to the bay

On a glorious morning in the month of May.


They stood on the bluff and stripped to the buff

And did a whole bunch of sexual stuff.


A kid named Darrell with a gut like a barrel

Snuck up behind them and stole their apparel.


They were caught unaware, but were up to the dare

And came home in the afternoon totally bare. 



It’s five below, and Joan and Joe

Are rolling naked in the snow.


“The Swedish do it,” Joan insists.

“The Swedes,” says Joe, “are masochists.”


They flip about from front to back,

The white stuff filling every crack,


And hanging from them, when they stop,

Are titty-cicles and a penis pop.



Cathy Foster

Suburban princess Cathy Foster

Never knew what living cost her.


Daddy was a wealthy guy

Who loved to spoil his cutie pie.


She went to Europe on vacation

After high school graduation


And, coming home, was glad to get

A red convertible Corvette.


Cathy tooled around the town

With the canvas top rolled down,


Sunlight shining on her face,

And nothing on below her waist.


Strip Teach

We love our teacher, Miss Equator,

An innovative educator


Who’s found the single best incentive 

To keep us high school boys attentive.


When we get an answer right,

She gives a wink and smiles bright,


Tells us all how well we’re faring,

Then takes off something that she’s wearing.


But when we get an answer wrong,

She starts to put her clothes back on.


Of course, the farther down we go,

The tougher the stuff we have to know.


Knowledge is the only key

To Miss Equator’s modesty.


But as our studies have progressed,

She’s gotten more and more undressed.


In our most successful classes,

She leaves on just her boots and glasses.


“I’m never prouder,” she will say,

“Than when you strip me all the way.


“Now, everyone take out your dicks,

And let’s make sure the lesson sticks.”


Ice Cream Annie

Ice Cream Annie made herself

A big banana split,

With whipped cream in her pussy

And cherries on each tit,


Caramel in her belly button,

Chocolate on her nose,

Rainbow sprinkles on her ass

And nuts between her toes.


Annie was the sweetest treat

Her friends had ever seen.

They tossed aside their plastic spoons

And licked the platter clean.


Tina Tate

Tiny-titted Tina Tate,

A scrumptious piece of jailbait,


Left every man in town agape

And charged with statutory rape.


Lawyers, judges, cops, technicians

Rabbis, priests and politicians,


Passing motorcycle riders,

Tina’s birth control providers —


Everybody should have known

To leave that piece of ass alone,


But when a girl’s so young and hot,

One simply does what one should not.


At the penitentiary

They have their own society.


Tattooed on every member’s pate

Is, “I’m a tool for Tina Tate.”


Betty and Veronica

Betty’s middle-income.

Veronica is rich.

Betty is a sweetie.

Veronica’s a bitch.


Betty is a natural blonde.

Veronica’s brunette.

Betty’s bush is golden.

Veronica’s is jet.


It’s like the dawn is breaking

In sultry summer weather —

Black against the yellow —

When they mash their cunts together.



Romeo loved Juliet.

Vulcan loved his Venus.

Richard Blaine loved Ilsa Lund,

And Peter loves his penis.


Patty Pound

Prim and proper Patty Pound

Was thought to be a prude,

But Patty was a different girl

At home and in the nude.


She loved but one in all her life

And it was he who said

That prim and proper Patty Pound

Was quite the whore in bed.



When I was in the second grade

The Sister stripped me bare.

She made me spread my legs apart

And bend over a chair.


“I’ll teach you to obey,” she said,

“And never mind your sass!”

And with a paddle made of oak

She whacked my little ass.


Today I never think of her

Without a proper thank-you.

Now take you clothes off, little one,

And bend over while I spank you.


Emily Dickinson’s Sex Life

I never walked on Venus

Or met an allosaurus,

And yet I know of other worlds

And life that came before us.


I never balled a guy

Or even had a date,

Yet sure am I that sex is fun

Because I masturbate.


Some Weird Shit

An innocent virgin named Chastity Powers

Had an orgasm lasting for three solid hours.


Her pussy was wired to a little black box

That gave her continuous, low-level shocks.


Hung on a cross in an underground den,

She wailed like a banshee again and again.


And when it was finished, the others untied her

And granted her rest they had so long denied her.


They laid her anointed and naked in bed

And from Friday to Sunday she slept like the dead.


Isabelle Sweeney

Isabelle Sweeney’s

Titties were teeny

But oh, so fun to touch.


She got all her friends

To suck on the ends

And liked it very much.


Well, Nothing Rhymes With It

Mona slept naked,

And when she awakèd,

She played with her cunt

Till she groanèd and quakèd.


And when she was slaked,

She got up and baked,

Making gingerbread penises

Totally nak’d.


Dirty Uncle Jacob

Dirty Uncle Jacob Reese

Spied on his pubescent niece.


With cameras hidden in her house

He got off when she changed her blouse.


One day when the air was cool,

She snuck a boy home after school.


She took him upstairs to her room

To play a game of “bride and groom.”


They lay in bed all afternoon

And had a happy honeymoon.


Jacob watched them kiss and strip.

He taped their playful wedding trip,


Jacking while the blushing bride

Gave her clumsy groom a ride.


But when their doings got too sexy,

The old man died of apoplexy.


Tricia Peet

Tricia Peet was very fleet —

The speediest of streakers.

Tricia Peet ran up the street

In nothing but her sneakers.


Tricia’s dad was awfully mad

We saw his naked daughter,

But Tricia’s dad was also glad

That no one ever caught her.



Josie humps her pillow.

She does it every day.

She lets the sexy feelings build

And carry her away.


Her parents don’t dissuade her.

In fact, they both agree

That jilling off is preferable

To unplanned pregnancy.


A problem still arises, though,

From Josie’s steaming crotch:

She likes to keep the curtains up

And let the neighbors watch.


Daddy, Bounce Me on Your Knee

“Daddy, bounce me on your knee!

I love it when you do!”

“OK, baby, climb on up,

But first, take off your shoes.”


“Daddy, bounce me on your knee!

It feels so very keen!”

“OK, baby, climb on up,

But first, take off your jeans.”


“Daddy, bounce me on your knee!

It’s such a dreary Sunday!”

“OK, baby, climb on up,

But first, take off your undies.”


“Daddy, now my pee-pee’s bare!

Bounce me on your knee!”

“OK, baby, climb on up —

Whee! Whee! Whee!”


Dirty Debbie

Debbie was a babysitter.

She worked for Steve and Mrs. Ritter.

She showed up one night at their house

In pleated skirt and cotton blouse,

A purple ribbon in her hair,

And not a scrap of underwear.


When Steve invited her to sit

She spread her knees a little bit,

Which gave the children on the floor

A sight they’d never seen before.


Steven also saw the sight

And said he’d drive her home that night.

And so things ended happily

For double Debbie’s normal fee.


The Debutantes Ball

After two or three glasses of gin and vermouth,

Heather’s behavior was simply uncouth.


“This party,” she said, “is a great fucking bore.”

So she took off some clothes, then she took off some more.


She climbed on a table, so everyone saw

The difficult debutante dance in the raw.


The boys and the girls were appalled at her gumption.

They said she would pay for her drunken presumption.


But Heather was queen of the popular clique.

She demanded that everyone copy her shtick.


Her minions obeyed with a nod and a wink

From the chaperones, all of whom went off to drink.


The party was saved and forever was called

The Fabulous Night When the Debutantes Balled.


Come On Down

The models on The Price Is Right

Are buxom, leggy pets

Who, when the show is over, frolic

Naked on the sets.


They strut across the stage in heels,

And — just to be outré —

They rub their tits and asses

On the crap they give away.


I won a boat. I won a trip.

I won a car — but drat!

All I wanted was the chance

To bid on watching that.


Rite of Spring

Kaitlyn cycled through the park

On April 17

In helmet, jersey, socks, and shoes,

And nothing in between.


Mothers shielded children’s eyes

As Kaitlyn speeded past,

Shocked to see a cyclist

So bare-legged and bare-assed.


But Kaitlyn loved the freedom

And she didn’t give a shit,

Especially when the padded saddle

Rubbed against her clit.


The breeze caressed her shaven cunt

And gave her quite a tickle

As Kaitlyn coasted swiftly

On her 24-speed cycle.


Bonnie’s Bonnet

Bonnie had a bonnet,

A frilly purple cap

With tiny yellow polka dots

And shiny velvet nap.


Bonnie loved her bonnet.

She wore it everywhere,

Which struck her folks as pointless

Since the rest of her was bare.


“My bonnet’s much too pretty,”

Said Bonnie with a grin.

“The only thing it goes with

Is my pretty naked skin.”


Andy and Candy

Andy had a hard-on

That Candy spread some lard on,

Which made it very shiny

And easy on her heinie.


Music Lesson

Beethoven, Mendelssohn, Schubert and Bach —

Lick my balls and suck my cock.


Mozart, Sibelius, Wagner and Verdi —

Nibble my ears and talk to me dirty.


Bartok, Stravinsky, Ravel and Debussy —

Pull down your panties and play with your pussy.


A Busy Two Weeks

Oh when I was a virgin

I’d lie in bed and cry,

“I need a man to fill my hole

Or else I’m going to die.”


But now I’m not a virgin

And wish I were again.

In thirteen days I’ve literally

Had my fill of men.



A birder stood upon a hill

Looking for a whippoorwill.


He trained his birding telescope

Across the pond and down the slope,


And there, he caught a startled glimpse

Of half a dozen woodland nymphs,


Playing briskly — one and all —

A game of naked volleyball.


The man went home and gave his wife

The greatest shagging of her life.


Now he goes out every day

To watch the naked nymphs at play,


Comes back with a rigid rod

And gives his grateful wife a prod.


But then her mind with wonder fills —  

“A hard-on for some whippoorwills!?”



Our daughter is fourteen years old.

It’s the most disobedient age,

So we’ve trained her to walk on a leash,

And she sleeps every night in a cage.


She pees in the yard in the morning,

And eats from a bowl on the floor.

She may not wear clothes in our presence,

Or when company comes to the door.


We smack her behind when she’s naughty,

But she’s learning to sit up and beg,

And when she behaves we reward her

With the touch of a vibrating egg.


You might think our ways are degrading,

But we’re happy as parents can get.

Our daughter’s so easy to handle

That, really, she’s more like a pet.


The Girls of Mount St. Joseph

The girls of Mount St. Joseph

In Flourtown, Pa.,

Observe a proud tradition

On graduation day.


They come to their commencement

Profoundly underdressed

In gowns of ivory, caps and shoes —

I think you know the rest.


They listen to some speeches

Replete with “do’s” and “shoulds,”

Then toss the caps and shuck the gowns

And bare their girlish goods.


Double Standard

I take out my penis

To show all the peeps.

It gives me a thrill.

It gives them the creeps.


My daughter exposes

Her shaved pubic region,

And guys throw her money.

Injustice is legion.


Look Away, Dixieland

On a cotton plantation a-way down South,

A slave took her master’s dick in her mouth.

His pride was inflated, his stinger was stung

By her pillowy lips and her billowy tongue,

While up at the mansion, a servant named Doc

Was serving his wife with his ebony cock.

Yet all through the land, there was much trepidation

That Lincoln would lead us to miscegenation.


Pussy and Penis

The pussy is creaming

The pussy is gleaming

The pussy is screaming

For pleasure, for pleasure.


The penis is willing

The penis is filling

The penis is drilling

For treasure, for treasure.


My Step-Dad Had a Hard-On

My step-dad had a hard-on.

It made him want to screw.

He said, “Your mother’s out of town.

I guess you’ll have to do.”


He took me to the bedroom.

He took off all my clothes.

He said, “The time has come to learn

Where Daddy’s penis goes.”


He put it in my pussy.

It wasn’t very big.

He said, “This won’t take very long,”

And grunted like a pig.



Sylvia sat on her Sybian,

Which buzzed like a bushel of bees.

The pulsating pleasured her pussy,

And she shook from her neck to her knees.


Three Little Girls

Katya, Vanessa, and Annabelle Lee,

Three little girls by the deep blue sea,

Splash through the water up to their knees,

Kissed by the sun and touched by the breeze.

Ponytails hang down their backs,

And wavelets wash away their tracks.

Three little girls by the deep blue sea

As naked as three little girls can be.


Creamy Cassie

Cassie has a creamy cunt,

Soft and warm and tight,

That opens like a flower

In the middle of the night.


She steals into my bedroom.

She whispers, “Mom’s asleep.”

She takes me in her creamy cunt,

Soft and warm and deep.


And much too soon I’m coming

In a never-ending jet,

Filling Cassie’s creamy cunt,

Soft and warm and wet.


Cassie has a creamy cunt,

Soft and warm and fine,

And she’s wonderfully willing

For a girl who’s only nine.


Nancy Was a Nudist

Nancy was a nudist

With a nudist Dad and Mom.

She went to Nudist High School,

Which held a nudist prom.


She had a nudist boyfriend

And nudist girlfriends, too —

A clique of natty nudists

She called her Nudist Crew.


Nancy was a nudist

Who loved her nudist fun,

So she joined a nudist convent

And became a nudist nun.



Ariel Stark disrobed in the park

And went for a midnight stroll.

The moon was bright, the air a delight

As she climbed to the top of the knoll.


Officer Coleman, a passing patrolman,

Spotted her flitting around,

And, drawing his club, he gave it a rub,

And scattered his seed on the ground.


Take It Off!

Oh, my word, there’s something wrong.

This stripper’s taking much too long.

Come on, honey, what’s the deal?

What’s it take to make you peel?

Hey, you poky little slut,

Let me see your naked butt.

Give me pussy! Give me tits!

Drive me from my tempered wits.

More than just a little leg —

Please, oh please, don’t make me beg.

Drop the panties! Drop the bra!

Now you’re cooking. Oo la la!

I’ve seen many an ecdysiast,

But you’re by far the teasiest.


Penis Envy

Penis envy’s such a crock.

Who needs an ugly little cock

That shoots off once and starts to soften?

Pussies let you come more often.

Tell me, Mr. Sigmund Freud,

When’s the last time you enjoyed

A climax seven minutes long

From your proud, beschnittenen schlong?

My Muschi’s wet und wunderbar,

And sometimes a penis is just a cigar.


Naked Jenny

When Jenny DeHuff struts her stuff

The boys at the beach can’t get enough.

She’s rough. She’s tough.

She’s stripped to the buff.

She’s totally tan and she shaves her muff.


Tongue Twister

Beata was a Buddhist

Who became an avid nudist.

Of any nudist Buddhist

She was certainly the cutest,

But she feuded with the Buddhists

Who thought she was the lewdest

And became the shrewdest feudist

Of the cutest nudist Buddhists.


The Neighbor’s Complaint

Hey, you kids, get off my lawn!

And, damn it, put your clothes back on!



Wolfe Tone Patrick McManus O’Breen

Had an eye-popping penis of emerald green.

He showed it to Katharine Aileen O’Shea,

Whose bush was as red as the dawn o’ the day.

Said she, “If you don’t tell me Dad or me Ma,

I’ll show you what’s under me Erin Go bra.”

They had a few pints and an Irishman’s shag

As orange and green as the Irishmen’s flag,

Repeating with glee as they banged like a drum,

“We’re as Irish as Ireland’s Irishmen come!”

—St. Patrick’s Day, 2014


Absent-Minded Martha

Martha Knox lost her socks

Running to the fair.

A-twirl upon the Tilt-a-Whirl,

She lost her underwear.


Chewing sandy cotton candy

Martha made a mess,

And in her haste to wash her face,

Martha lost her dress.


Dolly’s Dildos

Dolly has a dildo

That’s long and curved and blue.

She sucks the bulbous rubber head.

She’ll do the same for you.


Dolly has a dildo

That’s short and red and thick.

She uses it to train herself

To squat upon your dick.


But Dolly’s favorite dildo

Is rough and ridged and green.

The uses that she puts it to

No man has ever seen.


The Invisible Girls

Melanie is short and plump.

Courtney’s thin and tall.

They played tag at the toxic dump

With nothing on at all.


The radiation levels rose

And turned them both transparent,

And now, when they take off their clothes,

You’d swear they simply aren’t.


The Valley Forge

As I was going up Mount Joy

I saw a naked girl and boy

Fucking underneath the trees

Whose blossoms buzzed with honeybees.


Another day, another climb,

I saw them in the wintertime.

They quarreled by a naked tree

That stood atop Mount Misery.


Professor Alexander Potts

Professor Alexander Potts

Licked his students’ virgin twats,

And after each and every time

He rang a little silver chime.


Despite the intervening years,

When any former student hears

A bell, on purpose or by chance,

She comes directly in her pants.


What’s With Theresa?

What’s with Theresa?

She doesn’t sit still.

She gets up and sits

On the windowsill.

She goes to her bedroom.

She locks herself in.

She stays a few minutes.

She comes out again.


She goes to the bathroom.

She comes down the stairs

She goes to the yard

And shuffles the chairs.

What’s with Theresa?

It’s hard to be sure,

But it’s tough on young ladies

Who keep themselves pure.


Stop it, Theresa.

It’s too much travail.

The harder you fight it,

The worse you will fail.

Find a nice guy,

Or girl, if you’d rather,

Or use your own fingers

To work up a lather.


What’s with Theresa?

She went out someplace.

She came back next day

With a smile on her face.

She shampooed her hair.

She gave it a rinse.

She climbed into bed,

And she hasn’t moved since.


Laika, Princess of the Internet

Laika had a tiny tush

And pointy little tits.

At twelve years old, she had no bush

About her puffy bits.


She took off all her clothes one day

And posed for lots of pictures.

They went online, and there they stay,

Despite the legal strictures.


In just a lacy garter belt

And stockings white as snow,

She made the hearts of millions melt

With what she had to show.


And when she got her nylons off

And lay down on the floor,

A million shot their pylons off

And double-clicked for more.


The Princess of the Internet

Is now what Laika’s known as:

The prepubescent Russian pet

Who tickles countless gonads.


Wee Willie’s Winkie

Willie had a little one

No bigger than your pinkie.

His parents grieved to see their son

With such a teeny winkie.


They shipped him off to boarding school,

Where every day at gym,

The others saw his tiny tool.

They all made fun of him.


Willie prayed at night in bed —

To Whom, he didn’t know.

“But if You’re out there,” Willie said,

“Let my steeple grow!”


The taunts went on all freaking year,

Until the month of May,

When, sickened by his shrimpy gear,

Willie ran away.


The night was full of whirring sounds,

The planets shone like pearls

As Willie stumbled on the grounds

Of Saint John’s School for Girls.


And in the silver lunar light,

Willie’s roving glance

Beheld the girls perform a rite

They called the Devil’s Dance.


Chanting to the Evil One,

Invoking fear and loathing,

They wailed and whirled, they shrieked and spun,

They tore off all their clothing.


They fell into a naked pile

That wriggled on the grass,

Tribbing in demonic style,

Sucking tits and ass.


And then the greatest thing occurred

That Willie ever knew:

The runt inside his trousers stirred.

His penis grew and grew.


It would have broken through his fly

Had Willie not unzipped.

He had to point it toward the sky,

Or else he would have tripped.


It reared up like a rocky mountain,

Giving such delight

That semen in an endless fountain

Streamed into the night …


Willie woke up back at school,

Naked in his bed.

His dick lay heavy, with a pool

Of come around the head.


“From now on,” Willie thought with glee,

“I’ll proudly show my cock,

And nevermore will Willie be

A little laughing-stock!”


The lesson’s odd, but even so,

The lesson’s on the level:

All a Willie needs to grow

Is Daughters of the Devil!


Victoria’s Secret

The bras are made in Bangladesh,

The panties in Bombay,

But the tits and ass are native

To the good old USA.


Wendy and Wendy Too

In the tidy little village

Of Squatting-on-the-Loo,

A girl named Wendy knew a girl

Whose name was Wendy, too.


Wendy Too was naughty, 

And Wendy One was fair,

And Wendy Too teased Wendy One

And pulled her pretty hair.


When Wendy changed her knickers

(We’re talking Wendy One),

Wendy Too snuck up behind

And pinched her on the bum.


When Wendy One went swimming

Across the River Loo,

The clothes she’d folded on the bank

Were pinched by Wendy Too.


Then Wendy filled out roundly

Across her hips and chest,

And in between her legs she grew

A cozy, curly nest.


Wendy Too was gaga

And regretted what she’d done.

“Fuck me, Babe,” said Wendy Too.

“Fuck you,” said Wendy One.


Mistress, May I Come Now?

Mistress, may I come now?

— No, my little sweet.

It’s my will you wait until

I bind your hands and feet.


Mistress, may I come now?

— No, my little wight.   

I decree it cannot be

Until your gag is tight.


Mih-ruh muh-ah kuh-ah?

— No, my little sprout.

I insist you must resist

While Mistress eats you out.


Naked Selfies

I took some naked selfies.

I sent them to this turd

Who sent them to another kid

Who sent them to a third,


Who sent them to a teacher,

Who shared them with his class,

And so it went till all the world

Had seen my naked ass.


The blogosphere condemned me

With ridicule and scorn,

And half the school was rounded up

For swapping child porn.


Suck my tits and clitty.

Fuck my cunt. I’ll let you.

But if you send my selfies ’round,

The cops will come and get you.


The Interstellar One-Night Stand

As Stella slumbered, gowned in lace,

Aliens from outer space

Took her to their flying saucer

And laid her down, with straps across her,

Naked on a steel gurney

For a scientific journey.


Silver-suited little guys,

With big white heads and big black eyes,

Suckers on their fingertips,

And green stuff oozing from their lips,

They carried on a long, intense

Series of experiments:

They strobed her with a brainal strobe,

Probed her with an anal probe,

Shaved her with a kitty shaver,

Laved her with a clitty laver,

Sucked her with a booby sucker,

Fucked her with a ruby fucker,

Spanked her with metallic spankers,

And wanked themselves with phallus wankers.


And when their data banks were full

They left our planet’s weighty pull,

Hauling ass across the skies,

Flying fast as starlight flies,

Till space grew short and time stood still,

Just as Einstein said they will.


Stella woke up back in bed

And found a folded note that read:

“Thanks for your participation

In galactic exploration.

In a nutshell, here’s the story:

We’re from Epsilon Centauri.

We’d heard that Earth girls are the best,

And (sorry to disturb your rest)

As scientists, we couldn’t miss

Confirming our hypothesis.

Though currently we’re out of touch,

We care about you very much,

And if we’re ever back this way,

We’ll look you up without delay.”


Stella, reading over this,

Confirmed her own hypothesis:

Though wonders fill the depths of space,

Men are assholes everyplace.


The Beautiful Youth of the Sonnets

The Stratford Man insisted that I marry

And thereby cheat the croupier of Time.

I’d have a son, he said, whose face would carry

The beauty I was known for in my prime.

So I dealt myself a bride of youthful graces

And stacked her on my flush paternal pole.

In lucky hands I held her pair of aces  

And roundly stroked her diamond in the hole.

A dozen years I filled the pot and bet,

And drew one straight inside after another.

A dozen times I won the pot of get:

A dozen girls, who all look like their mother.

    If a poet on the street you e’er do see,

    Slap him once, and tell him it’s from me.


Susana, a Ballad

When Susana was young, she fluttered her tongue

On the clit of a concert musician,

Who was moved to declare that she wasn’t aware

She had granted Susana permission.

Susana chimed in, with a mischievous grin,

“Does it matter so late in the game?”

The musician said no, and she let herself go,

And she came, and she came, and she came.


Susana’s first fuck was a bit of a cluck

With no clue what to do with his gear.

His name was DePaul, and his dick was so small

He preferred to get off in her ear.

But Susana was clever and swore that she’d never

Give up on a man who was stunted,

And she sucked him so well that he started to swell,

And soon he was fully encunted.


At a Thanksgiving feast the neighborhood priest

Gave Susana his blessing in Latin,

As she lay midst the food appetizingly nude 

And smeared with potatoes au gratin.

Everyone ate the meat on his plate,

But you mustn’t believe that I’m bluffing

If I choose to reveal at the end of the meal

They all gave Susana some stuffing.


The Winter encroached, the Yuletide approached,

And Susana observed Saturnalia,

Singing hymns to the god with her vibrating rod

And a clip on her shaved genitalia.

In stockings and teddy, she got herself ready

For welcoming jolly old Santa —

She fellated the fellow, who let out a bellow

Picked up from New York to Atlanta.


Susana’s fame grew, and men by the slew 

Beat a desperate path to her halls,

Where daily and nightly they begged for, politely,

The touch of her breath on their balls.

She cared not a fig and sailed off in a brig

To adventures in far-away lands,

And she left all the guys with tears in their eyes

And their semi-hard dicks in their hands.


So ends Madam Jillinghoff’s

Book of dirty verse.

She trusts you’ve had a naughty time

That’s left you none the worse.

© 2012, 2015 by Jacqueline Jillinghoff