Suzie, Suzie, sleepyhead,
Take off your nightgown and climb into bed.
I’ll read you one story,
I’ll sing you two rhymes,
I’ll give you three cookies
And kiss you four times —
Once on your tummy,
Twice on your knees,
And once on the button
That makes you sneeze.
I play with my kitty.
She’s so warm and sweet.
She sits in my lap,
And I give her a treat.
I pet her and stroke her
And tickle her nose,
And soon I’m in heaven,
Curling my toes.
My daughter Dawn
Has nothing on.
Not caring to hide,
She wanders outside,
Where she catches the eye
Of a boy driving by
Who’s so greatly disturbed
That his car jumps the curb
And rolls up on our lawn,
Where it flattens poor Dawn.
“Little Johnny Jerk-off,
What are you holding?
If your mother finds out,
She will give you a scolding.”
“She can holler and threaten,
I care not a drop,
For I’d gladly be yelled at
Rather than stop.”
“Little Johnny Jerk-off,
Spurting and dripping.
If your mother finds out,
She will give you a whipping.”
“She can spank me and beat me,
I really don’t mind.
For rather than stop,
I would gladly go blind.”
The neighbors’ girl Jude
Hung their laundry out nude,
While her kid sister Rose
Washed their car without clothes.
Was there ever a guy
As happy as I?
Young Anna Partridge climbed up a tree,
And the boys down below were delighted to see
That her feet, and her legs, and her bottom were bare,
For she had on a dress, but no underwear.
From one narrow angle they were able to catch
A shadowy glimpse of her smooth, hairless snatch.
Did it get them excited? Well, how could it not,
To look up and look at a little girl’s twat?
So, huddled together, they played a new game:
They took out their wieners and jacked till they came.
Anna looked down and laughed, and was happy to be
The most beautiful blossom they saw in the tree.
And many years later, as Christmas drew near,
And carolers caroled, a song caught her ear,
And Anna remembered that spring day when she
Bared the peach on a Partridge in a Pear Tree.
A pretty young belle,
Walked into school one day
The girls said, “Disgusting!”
The boys said, “Hooray!”
And Danielle’s favorite teacher
Gave her an “A.”
My father is a pimp,
My sister makes erotic films,
And I walk with a limp.
I tried to go to college
To have my choice of jobs,
But the Sweater-Breasted Robin said
That college is for snobs.
“Fiddle dee doo!” the Robin sang.
“Fiddle dee doo! Dee-lay!
If you keep your children safe at home,
They’ll never go astray!”
So my mother taught me all she knew,
My sister did the same,
My father got me hooked on smack
And put me in the game.
“Fiddle dee doo!” the Robin sang.
“Fiddle dee doo! Dee doo!
If you keep your children safe at home,
They’ll turn out just like you!”
Here are the mountains,
Here is the plain,
Here is the well that catches the rain.
Here is the forest,
Here is the bog,
And here’s the tiny acorn —
In nothing but a pair of pumps
I spin around the pole.
The old guys crumple dollar bills
And toss them at my hole.
For twenty, while the music plays,
I’ll lie across your lap,
And squirm and writhe and wriggle till
Your pants are full of sap.
I loved the hungry, haunted stares,
And dancing was a ball.
Then one night Dad showed up and learned
I don’t work at the mall.
He called me “tramp” and “slut” and “whore”
And ordered me back home.
But I was cool, because I knew
Exactly why he’d come.
I took him to the back room
For a special, private show,
And when he staggered out again,
His face was all aglow.
My Daddy gave his favorite girl
A hundred-dollar tip,
To watch his baby strip.
Frumpy Dumpy loved a great lay,
Frumpy Dumpy had a great day,
Availing herself of the phallic resources
Of all the king’s men, and all the king’s horses.
My homeroom teacher, Mr. Z.,
Touched me inappropriately.
He fondled my pussy, my titties and tail,
And I hope he enjoyed it,
’Cause now he’s in jail.
Sister Grace and Mother Claire
Stayed in bed till evening prayer.
Shrieking rent the convent air.
Who knows what went on in there?
Here is where the baby eats,
Here is where she grew,
Here’s the little slot
Daddy’s penis went through.
Here is where her Mommy poops,
Here is where she pisses,
And here’s the spot that makes her come,
Which Daddy always misses.
Spanky and Wanky, identical twins,
Were perfect sluts with chiseled chins
And shapely butts and luscious tits
And silver rings on shaven slits.
Each one had a special kink,
But wait: It’s not quite what you think.
For clarity and sense were lost
When their fetishes and names were crossed.
Spanky liked to wank the cock
Of everyone from nerd to jock,
While Wanky loved to spank their cans
With paddles, straps, or her bare hands.
Which led to great confusion when
The sisters went on dates with men
Who didn’t know what to expect
And whose requests were incorrect.
“Spank me, Spanky!” they would say,
But Spanky turned and walked away.
Or “Wanky,” they’d say, “wank me off,”
And Wanky’d only sit and scoff.
At last, the girls grew sick of it
And said together, “Fuck this shit!
Let’s stay inside, and lose the clothes,
And give each other cheery O’s.”
So “Wank me, Spanky,” Wanky said,
And Spanky gave her sister head.
And “Spank me, Wanky!” Spanky cried,
And Wanky tanned her sister’s hide.
Piddle piddle pumpkin, fair Siobhan
Slept in the meadow with nothing on
Except for a pair of green-striped socks,
Was very short.
His wife was very svelte.
And every night
He bound her tight
Mary baked a cherry pie.
Carrie told her, “So did I.”
“Oh!” said Mary. “How divine!
I’ll eat yours if you eat mine.”
The hungry girls lay side by side
And ate each other’s cherry pie.
Their fingers and their faces, too,
Were quickly smeared with cherry goo,
And when they sucked their cherry stones,
They filled the house with sighs and groans.
Anna Crusis washed her hoosis
Lying in the tub.
She dug the way the shower spray
Massaged her swollen nub.
From Paraguay to Hudson Bay
And Kiev to Carolina,
I never knew a woman who
Had such a clean vagina.
My pussy, my cunny, my tunnel of love
Is what I can’t stop thinking of.
Look at it, lick at it, lap it until
It gives me a dirty and devilish thrill.
Clutch my clitoris, twiddle my twat.
Fuck me like hell with whatever you’ve got.
I’ll wail and I’ll ooze, I’ll gasp and I’ll cream.
I’ll climax and come with a shattering scream.
In all of creation there’s nothing I want
As much as a blast from my fabulous cunt.
A curly-haired kitty who lived in the valley
Went to the city and walked through the alley,
Where stood a tall soldier in purple and red,
With bulbous black boots and a helm on his head.
“Kitty,” said he, “if I may be so bold,
With your rosy-pink nose and your ringlets of gold,
What are you doing alone in the city —
A perilous place for a tender young kitty?”
“I’m taking this basket,” the kitten replied,
“To my sister, who lives on the Lower East Side.”
“And what does your basket contain, if you please?”
“Cherries and berries and soft runny cheese.”
“Then give me a taste,” the soldier requested.
“I promise you’ll go on your way unmolested.”
The kitten refused him without thinking twice,
And he called her a name that was not very nice.
But she laughed, and she mewed as she ran away quick,
“I might be a pussy, but you’re a BIG DICK.”
Was a redheaded chit
Who wouldn’t go out and play,
To lie naked in bed,
Where she came seven times in one day.
Your friends are all here,”
Her mother called up the stairs.
“I’m not coming out,”
She heard Alison shout.
“You can tell them I’m saying my prayers.”
Though her daughter deceived her,
The mother believed her
’Pon pressing her ear to the door.
For she couldn’t deny
She heard Alison cry,
“Oh please, dear God, one more!”
Like Pallas Athena,
Enjoyed going topless
Upon the Acrop’lis.
A drop of lotion
Applied to the clit
Will cause a fit.
I’d pay those teens
To take off their jeans,
Or that hot little flirt
To lift up her skirt,
Or that nasty young slut
To show me her butt
If they were all just a smidgen
“Little boy, little boy, where did you go?”
“I stepped outside to pee in the snow.”
“Little boy, little boy, what did you write?”
“ ‘I’m horny as cattle,’ in yellow and white.”
“Little girl, little girl, where did you go?”
“I went with my grandfather out to the show.”
“Little girl, little girl, what did you see?”
“A dirty old man who kept fingering me.”
What do girls complain of?
What do girls complain of?
“When the boys fuck our cunts
We can barely come once.”
And that’s what girls complain of.
And what do the little girls brag of?
And what do the little girls brag of?
“If they leave us alone,
We come scads on our own.”
And that’s what the little girls brag of.
Peeping Tom went out at night
To see what folks were doing.
He watched the children take their baths
And caught their parents screwing.
He spied on teenage girls and boys
Drinking beer and doping,
Then getting horny on the sofa,
Making out and groping;
And office women, home from work
And taking off their clothes —
Shoes and blouses, skirts and bras,
Briefs and pantyhose.
Peeping Tom was just like God,
A creeping, unseen seer,
Until the night the cops were called,
And ended his career.
Oh, my pretty, handsome boy,
Who say that you adore me,
If that is true, I’m begging you:
Please don’t come before me!
Tickle-ee, tickle-ee on your knee —
If you laugh, you don’t love me.
Tickle-ee, tickle-ee on your thigh —
If you laugh, you’ll make me cry.
Tickle-ee, tickle-ee on your sex —
If you laugh, you’ll miss what’s next.
Teacher Sally, expert in
Was also mistress of the art
Of lesbian seduction.
She took a class of twenty girls
Reviewing verbal functions,
And ultimately led them all
Through feminine conjunctions.
There was a girl, I’ve heard it said,
Who bravely kept her maidenhead.
She kept it pure, and she kept it clean
Until she was almost seventeen.
And then her high school football star
Took her to a college bar,
And when her head was turned, he threw
A rufie in her Mountain Dew.
She woke up on the football grounds.
Her clothes were nowhere to be found.
Her cell phone, too, and keys were gone,
And all the stadium lights were on.
“Oh my!” she said. “I’m in a jam.
I can’t remember who I am.
A girl like me, without her clothes —
Who she is, nobody knows.
“But I’ve an aunt who lives nearby.
She can tell me who am I.
But if she won’t, which cannot be,
I’ll know my body isn’t me.”
The girl ran naked through the night
Until the aunt’s house came in sight.
“Aunt,” she called, “please come and see,
And tell me if my body’s me.”
“The niece I know,” the aunt replied,
“Would never be caught dead outside
Without her clothes. It’s clear to me
Your naked body isn’t she.”
With that, the woman slammed the door
And left the girl alone once more.
“Oh no!” the girl began to cry.
“My naked body isn’t I!”
Was a horny old geezer
Who dwelled on the Isle of Capri,
Surrounded by scads
Of lasses and lads
Kept naked by Caesar’s decree.
From two or three paces
He’d come on their faces
And laugh with imperial glee.
And they’d never complain,
Or he’d have them all slain,
Such a fun-loving ruler was he!
A trio of rockers
And sexual shockers
Incited a Pussy Riot,
But were left in the lurch
When they broke into church
And demanded a Putin-free diet.
Yankee Diddle went to town
To flirt with Peggy Shippen,
Caught her balling Gen’ral Howe
And gave them both a whippin’.
Yankee Diddle loves the girls,
May unto December.
Yankee Diddle, keep it up
(By which we mean your member).
Off he sailed across the Pond,
To flip the Queen the bird,
Stuck a feather in her kootch,
Which tickled George the Third.
Yankee Diddle loves his the cunt-ree.
He’s our Yankee booster.
Yankee Diddle, raise the flag
(By which we mean your rooster).
A grouping of schoolgirls
Is known as a “passel.”
A number of schoolboys
Gives you a “hassle.”
Put them together
And you’ve got a “capture,”
And if they get naked,
You’re seeing a “rapture.”
A hunter went a-hunting
And came upon a brood
Of children playing in the woods,
And every one was nude.
He asked them where they came from.
They pointed through the wood
At a little rustic schoolhouse where
Their naked mistress stood.
She smiled when she saw him
And gestured with her arms
As if to say, “There’s no one here,
And who is being harmed?”
So the children gathered ’round him
And led him up the lane,
And the hunter and his hunting dogs
Were never seen again.
Little Polly Flinders
Sat among the cinders,
Warming her pretty little toes;
Her mother came and caught her
And was angry with her daughter
For soiling her nice new clothes.
So taking out her whip,
She made her daughter strip
And threw the naked child o’er her knees,
And she gave her such a thrashing
And a vicious verbal lashing
That Polly ever more preferred to freeze.
Bessie’s father had a friend.
She called him Uncle Randy.
He gave her quarters, books, and toys,
And bits of chocolate candy.
And when her father went to work
And left him home with Bess,
He sat her down upon his lap
And felt her up her dress.
Cheerleader Tiffany, come, shake your cans.
The team’s on the field, the crowd’s in the stands.
Where is she, now that they’re ready to rock?
Under the bleachers, sucking cock.
My mommy’s boyfriend tucks me in
And sits with me to read a while.
He thinks his kindness sucks me in,
But I know he’s a pedophile.
Dorothy Deere was very queer.
So was Patti Patchett.
When Dorothy’s ditch began to itch,
Patti just had to scratch it.
Katie Koppe got awfully sloppy
Kissing Connie Cricket.
Katie’s cooze began to ooze,
So Connie just had to lick it.
Marianne and Caroline
Curled up in a sixty-nine
And gave each other tender kisses
On their tiny clitorises.
Japanese schoolgirls standing in a row,
Each with her black hair tied in a bow.
They aren’t wearing panties, so they’re naked down below,
And when they hold their skirts up, Hello Kitty says “Hello!”
Japanese schoolgirls are very pretty creatures
With golden skin and almond eyes and incandescent features,
Sitting humbly at their desks like studious beseechers,
Or peeling off their uniforms for honorable teachers.
When I was a girl, I dressed as a boy
And ran away to sea.
I learned my ropes aboard a ship
They called the Saint Maree.
She sailed from Philadelphia
To fetch some China tea
With fifty able-bodied men
As randy as could be.
We’d barely weathered Lewes’ Cape
Before I had the shock
Of seeing one man kneeling down
To suck another’s cock.
The men grew lustier each day,
And as we reached the Horn
They pumped the bilge as naked
As the day that they were born.
The captain kept me for himself.
He called me to his side.
“A pretty, beardless boy,” he said,
“Will make a handsome bride!”
But when he loos’d my pantaloons
He got a big surprise.
Astonishment and sheer delight
Were writ upon his eyes.
“Why, you’re no lad!” the captain cried.
“ ’Tis plain for all to see!
At last we’ll have a proper shag
Aboard the Saint Maree!”
He stripped me bare and threw me down
Upon the captain’s bunk
And sucked my tits and kissed my cunt
And showered me with spunk.
And then he called the second mate
And showed him what he’d found
And gave the order, “Rouse the crew
And pass the slut around!”
I came a dozen times that day.
I came a hundred later.
And the men who sail Magellan’s Straits
Have never sailed them straighter.
(For best results, this rhyme should be recited by two eight-year-old girls playing pat-a-cake. Any two names my be used, Daddy and Mommy, etc.)
Joey likes coffee,
Zita likes tea.
They drink one cup
And they gotta take a pee.
So they pee on each other
And they get on the floor
And they fuck in the puddle
And they drink some more …
Joey likes coffee,
Zita likes tea.
They drink two cups
And they gotta take a pee …
Joey and Zita, naked in the yard —
Zita gets wet and Joey gets hard.
First they kiss. Then they pet.
Then they’re screwing on the Internet.
She wore a yellow raincoat,
A floppy yellow hat,
A pair of shiny yellow boots —
And nothing more than that.
She undid her yellow buttons
On misty, yellow nights,
And strolled outside and flashed herself
Beneath the yellow lights.
Joey and Zita underneath a tree —
Next day they are man and wife,
And she never lets him touch her again in his life.
I’m such a naughty schoolgirl.
I’m very, very bad.
My mind is never on my work.
My teacher’s always mad.
I’m staring out the window.
My thoughts are miles away.
I’m dreaming of the things I’ll do
When I get home and play:
I’ll find my favorite dolly.
I’ll take her from the shelf.
I’ll get in bed and kiss her while
I’m playing with myself.
I really don’t have ADD.
I’m really not a dummy.
It’s just that when I touch myself
It feels so fucking yummy.
I’m flunking out of science.
I’ll get a D in Lit.
But I’ll ace my favorite subject,
Which is Fingering My Clit.
Kiwi Berry lost her cherry
To Cal — or was it Ken?
The shame of it all was she couldn’t recall.
She had slept with so many men.
It might have been Jack, or well-hung Zack.
It might have been Liam or Stu —
Or Immanuel Kant or Ulysses S. Grant
For all the poor girl knew.
And then there was Wade, the kid in eighth grade
On whom she developed a crush,
And even a dyke everybody called “Mike,”
Who would penetrate girls with a brush.
“Well, first or last, they are all in the past,”
She finally had to say.
“What matters is how many men I have now,
And how much they’re willing to pay.”
Want to get it on with you.
Girls galore —
Co-eds, trannies, dommes and more.
Give it to them
Good and hard!
AmEx, Visa, MasterCard.
Sucked my balls,
Gave my dick
A little lick,
Brushed the tip
Across her lip,
Gave the shank
A sudden yank,
And wore my jit
Upon her tit.
came tapping at Dolly's window,
Thumpaty, thumpaty, thump!
He asked for admittance. She answered him “No!”
Frumpaty, frumpaty, frump!
“No, no, Roger, no! As you came you may go!”
Stumpaty, stumpaty, stump!
She made him so angry he called her a ho.
Strumpaty, strumpaty, strump!
Which tickled her so much she gave him a throw.
Humpaty, humpaty, hump!
Andy Krupp, a randy pup,
Screwed the girls and knocked them up.
Then their fathers came to see him.
Now he’s in a mausoleum.
A beauty named Narcissa Shearer
Stripped before a three-way mirror.
She watched herself from sides and front
Stuff her fingers up her cunt.
She flicked her tongue. She licked her lips.
She squeezed her tits. She teased her nips.
She turned and took delighted peeks
At half a dozen flawless cheeks
And never showed as much affection
As when she kissed her own reflection.
A vain and silly girl, perhaps,
But, oh! She came like thunderclaps.
And when she couldn’t anymore,
She bought some bras and left the store.
Ding! says the bell of Saint Vincent’s,
Where the orphans are losing their innocence.
Dong! says the bell of Saint Aidan’s,
Where the sisters are whipping the maidens.
Ring! says the bell at Ignatius,
Where the priests and the boys are fellatious.
Wrong! says the bell at Saint Helen’s,
Where the clergy are sexual felons.
My daughter went to bed one night
As innocent as child’s play,
And while she slept, the fairies came
And stole my little girl away.
And in her place the fairies left
A proud, disdainful Fairy Queen
With coltish legs and budding breasts
Who crowned herself The Royal Teen.
Her Highness broke my every rule
On curfew and frugality,
While flaunting (just to prove she could)
Her blooming sexuality
In a midriff-baring halter top
And leather micro-miniskirt
That flashed her pussy when she sat
And got my dick so hard it hurt.
She saw the way I looked at her
And felt the power beauty brings.
She wrapped her arms around my neck
And whispered, “Daddy, buy me things.”
She made me bow and lick her feet.
She made me beg, she made me crawl.
A worthless piece of shit, she said,
But in the end, I won it all —
She deigned to let me kiss her butt
And even sniff her pussy hole.
And all it cost me in return
Was, first, my pride, and then my soul.
Sweet-Tooth Lucy Proust
Is easily seduced.
A cherry Tootsie Pop
Will get you in her top.
Give the girl a Snickers,
And she’ll remove her knickers.
For half a Bit-O-Honey
She’ll let you taste her cunny.
A fun size Milky Way
Will guarantee a lay,
And if you’ve got some Bosco,
She’ll lick it off your roscoe.
He was a little man, but he was hung, hung, hung,
And he grabbed a little chippie who was young, young, young.
When he filled her little pussy she would shout, shout, shout,
And she begged him never ever pull it out, out, out.
But he spun her ’round and fucked her little bum, bum, bum,
And the pain-us in her anus made her cum, cum, cum.
A broken man in tattered clothes,
Gray and underfed,
Caught me staring down the bar,
And this is what he said:
“Go ahead and stare at me.
Stake me to another round;
I’ll tell you how it was.
“Thank you — My misfortune struck
When I was twenty-three
And made my living catching cod
Miles out at sea.
“A dark and foggy day it was.
I hoisted in the seine
And swore I heard a woman cry
In terror and in pain.
“Impossible, I told myself.
They don’t exist, and yet
There she was — my hand to God! —
Tangled in the net.
“Her hair was long and shining gold
Like sunlight on the sea.
Her breasts were bare and evidently
Made for buoyancy.
“But more than this, what froze my heart
And brought to mind my sins
Was the sight, below her slender waist,
Of scales and caudal fins.
“‘You mortal boy,’ the mermaid said,
‘I am a magic fish.
Cut me loose and I will grant you
Anything you wish.’
“I sliced away the coiled lines
That held her by the neck
And asked her to make love to me,
Once, upon the deck.
“‘You’re very handsome,’ she replied,
‘But oh! I’m sad to say
That while I’d love to grant your wish,
I’m just not made that way.’
“I was a simple lad back then.
Not thinking what I said,
I dropped my pants and blurted out,
‘How ’bout a little head?’
“‘Done!’ the fiendish creature cried.
She snapped her fins at me,
And ere I grasped the horrid truth,
She dove into the sea.
“And now my glass is empty.
And now my tale is through.
And now you know the reason why
My hat size is a two.”
I love carrots, zucchini, and beets.
I love broccoli, onions, and leeks.
But of all the foods in the produce aisle
Cucumbers are the most versatile.
Not only can you slice them and eat them,
But as vegetable dildos, you just can't beat them.
Fiona had a fugly face,
The fugliest on earth.
Her fugly face could scare a wart hog
Into giving birth.
Fiona had a fugly face,
But here is what’s so odd —
Despite her fugly, fugly face,
She had a smokin’ bod.
Her waist was slim, her legs were long,
Her breasts were perfect C’s.
Her finely sculpted derriere
Brought armies to their knees.
Her flawless skin (below the chin)
Was smooth ceramic tile,
And every man who knew her begged
To do her doggie-style.
But Fiona shook her fugly head
And gave them this reply:
“To fuck this perfect body, you
Must look me in the eye!”
A is for Anthill, the tiniest mound.
B’s a Bit Bigger, pointed but round.
C’s give you Cleavage, the heavenly gutter.
D’s are the Domes that make men think of Mutter.
E is for Extra Large Eggs in a sack.
F is for Fullness that bothers your back.
G is Gigantic, like two Granite boulders.
H is so Heavy the straps cut your shoulders.
I is Impossible.
The weather is cool in the autumn.
The weather is warm in the spring.
The weather is hot in the summer.
In winter, the wind will sting.
I wear woolen panties in winter.
I wear cotton panties in spring.
I wear satin panties in autumn.
In summer, I don’t wear a thing.
Of all the bitches in the world
Who ever made me cry,
I’ve never known a crueler bitch
Than Mistress Lorelei.
In leather cape and camisole
And heels six inches high,
She stamped my buttocks “Property
Of Mistress Lorelei.”
I live in strict obedience
And never dare defy
The harsh command or slightest whim
Of Mistress Lorelei —
Or naked, gagged, and hung in chains,
And bound about the eye,
I feel the heartless, stinging lash
Of Mistress Lorelei.
I’m nothing but a worthless slave,
But how can I deny
There’s none I worship half so much
As Mistress Lorelei?
Brigid’s dad told Brigid
Brigid’s mom was frigid.
Brigid told her dad
Brigid would be glad
To act as Brigid’s mother
And be her father’s lover.
Brigid’s mom told Brigid
She really wasn’t frigid.
It’s just that she’d prefer
To have herself a her.
She’d be her mother’s lover.
Brigid, straight and queer,
Is Daughter of the Year.
Little Amy Pruitt
Heard her parents do it
As she lay in bed beside her sister Maddie.
When her mother screamed
Amy Pruitt dreamed
That she was in there making love to Daddy.
And so, one rainy day
When her mother was away,
Amy Pruitt took off every stitch.
She went to find her Daddy,
But she caught him fucking Maddie,
And she yelled her older sister was a bitch.
Her father only smiled.
Then he taught his younger child
The most important thing she’d ever learn:
That nothing is as gleesome
As a dad-on-daughter threesome
And every good girl comes who waits her turn.
Our township has a school
With an indoor swimming pool
So the kids can swim in every sort of weather.
We enforce a simple rule
At this co-ed swimming pool:
Swimmers must be in the altogether.
It’s very entertaining
To watch the swimmers training,
And people come from miles around to see.
To obey a rule to strip
Just to come and take a dip —
How stupid do these students have to be?
Oh, one, two, three! Oh, one, two, three!
Three young girls sat naked in a tree.
Straddling the branches, grinding on the bark,
They sang like birds from noon till dark.
She got her first brassiere,
And just like that, as if by magic,
Boys began to leer.
“Boys are stupid,” Lizzie said.
“It isn’t hard to prove it.
They say they want to see my bra,
Then beg me to remove it.”
Little Tommy Tucker
Was a real motherfucker,
And it wasn’t just because he played the trumpet.
After every jazzy jam, he
Would run home to his mammy,
Who would soothe his fevered brow with tea and crumpet.
Scarlet wore blue socks.
Violet wore red.
They shed their clothes
And got in bed.
They came at last
But heard their husbands
And got dressed fast.
The guys weren’t fooled.
They readily guessed
Their wives had stripped
And then re-dressed —
For Violet wore a red sock.
She also wore a blue.
Scarlet looked down,
And she did, too.
Almost every afternoon,
Depending on her mood,
Jeannie comes home after school
And studies in the nude.
She told her favorite teacher,
And he was so impressed
He organized a study hall
Where everyone undressed.
Studying is cool again,
Especially in pairs.
It hasn’t helped our grades at all,
But no one really cares.
A pair of pretty Girl Scouts
In pretty Girl Scout clothes
Showed up at my door one day
To sell me Do-si-dos.
Their eyes were wide and shining.
They giggled quite a lot,
And when I asked them why, they said
They’d both been smoking pot.
“Well, come inside,” I told them,
“And we’ll smoke a little more.”
The three of us got wholly wasted
Sitting ’round the floor.
They easily convinced me
To buy their every box
By stripping down to nothing
But their green berets and socks.
I’m glad I spent the money, though,
For after tea and nooky,
We tore the boxes open
And ate every fucking cookie.
Why sex was thought to be so grand.
Her girlfriends couldn’t live without it,
But Katie never thought about it,
Until one summer afternoon
She ran home under a monsoon.
She took off all her wet attire,
And threw it in the washer-drier,
And while her clothes were getting clean
She sat on top of the machine.
The gentle, throbbing agitation
Was a pleasurable sensation,
But soon it grew to something more
That rattled Katie to the core.
“Oh, God!” she groaned. “It’s getting good!”
And finally she understood.
Her moans arose from deep within
Throughout the laundry’s final spin.
And ever since, her parents say,
She’s always home on washing day.
Genevieve de Bergerac
Was quite a nymphomaniac.
She slept with the nobility
Of England, France, and Germany —
Dukes and earls, kings and queens —
When barely in her middle teens,
An ever wet and willing slut
For Lords and Ladies in a rut.
But when she died, the peasants came
To mourn her loss and bless her name.
They call her Genevieve the Lewd,
Patron Saint of the Royally Screwed.
Daisy and Faye rode out to the bay
On a glorious morning in the month of May.
They stood on the bluff and stripped to the buff
And did a whole bunch of sexual stuff.
A kid named Darrell with a gut like a barrel
Snuck up behind them and stole their apparel.
They were caught unaware, but were up to the dare
And came home in the afternoon totally bare.
It’s five below, and Joan and Joe
Are rolling naked in the snow.
“The Swedish do it,” Joan insists.
“The Swedes,” says Joe, “are masochists.”
They flip about from front to back,
The white stuff filling every crack,
And hanging from them, when they stop,
Are titty-cicles and a penis pop.
Buttered her muffin
High on a kitchen stool.
She stuck in her thumb
And made herself come
And said, “Girls fucking rule!”
Suburban princess Cathy Foster
Never knew what living cost her.
Who loved to spoil his cutie pie.
She went to Europe on vacation
After high school graduation
And, coming home, was glad to get
A red convertible Corvette.
Cathy tooled around the town
With the canvas top rolled down,
Sunlight shining on her face,
And nothing on below her waist.
We love our teacher, Miss Equator,
An innovative educator
Who’s found the single best incentive
To keep us high school boys attentive.
When we get an answer right, she
Gives a wink and smiles brightly,
Tells us all how well we’re faring,
Then takes off something that she’s wearing.
But when we get an answer wrong,
She starts to put her clothes back on.
Of course, the farther down we go,
The tougher the stuff we have to know.
Knowledge is the only key
To Miss Equator’s modesty.
But as our studies have progressed,
She’s gotten more and more undressed.
In our most successful classes,
She leaves on just her boots and glasses.
“I’m never prouder,” she will say,
“Than when you strip me all the way.
“Now, everyone take out your dicks,
And let’s make sure the lesson sticks.”
Ice Cream Annie made herself
A big banana split,
With whipped cream in her pussy
And cherries on each tit,
Caramel in her belly button,
Chocolate on her nose,
Rainbow sprinkles on her ass
And nuts between her toes.
Annie was the sweetest treat
Her friends had ever seen.
They tossed aside their plastic spoons
And licked the platter clean.
Tiny-titted Tina Tate,
A scrumptious piece of jailbait,
Left every man in town agape
And charged with statutory rape.
Lawyers, judges, cops, technicians
Rabbis, priests and politicians,
Passing motorcycle riders,
Tina’s birth control providers —
Everybody should have known
To leave that piece of ass alone,
But when a girl’s so young and hot,
One simply does what one should not.
At the penitentiary
They have their own society.
Tattooed on every member’s pate
Is, “I’m a fool for Tina Tate.”
Veronica is rich.
Betty is a sweetie.
Veronica’s a bitch.
Betty is a natural blonde.
Betty’s bush is golden.
Veronica’s is jet.
It’s like the dawn is breaking
In sultry summer weather —
Black against the yellow —
When they mash their cunts together.
Romeo loved Juliet.
Vulcan loved his Venus.
Richard Blaine loved Ilsa Lund,
And Peter loves his penis.
Prim and proper Patty Pound
Was thought to be a prude,
But Patty was a different girl
At home and in the nude.
She loved but one in all her life
And it was he who said
That prim and proper Patty Pound
Was quite the whore in bed.
When I was in the second grade
The Sister stripped me bare.
She made me spread my legs apart
And bend over a chair.
“I’ll teach you to obey,” she said,
“And never mind your sass!”
And with a paddle made of oak
She whacked my little ass.
Today I never think of her
Without a proper thank-you.
Now take you clothes off, little girl,
And bend over while I spank you.
Or met an allosaurus,
And yet I know of other worlds
And life that came before us.
I never balled a guy
Or even had a date,
Yet sure am I that sex is fun
Because I masturbate.
An innocent virgin named Chastity Powers
Had an orgasm lasting for three solid hours.
Her pussy was wired to a little black box
That gave her continuous, low-level shocks.
Hung on a cross in an underground den,
She wailed like a banshee again and again.
And when it was finished, the others untied her
And granted her rest they had so long denied her.
They laid her anointed and naked in bed
And from Friday to Sunday she slept like the dead.
Titties were teeny
But oh, so fun to touch.
She got all her friends
To suck on the ends
And liked it very much.
Had a beautiful ass,
And a beautiful ass she had.
Its photo was seen
In a men’s magazine,
Where it drove all the little boys mad.
A stalker named Giles
Traveled three thousand miles
To be counted as Chlorophyll’s suitor,
But was shattered to find
That her gorgeous behind
Had been built on a laptop computer.
Mona slept naked,
And when she awakčd,
She played with her cunt
Till she groančd and quakčd.
And when she was slaked,
She got up and baked,
Making gingerbread penises
Dirty Uncle Jacob Reese
Spied on his pubescent niece.
With hidden cameras in her house
He got off when she changed her blouse.
One day when the air was cool,
She snuck a boy home after school.
She took him upstairs to her room
To play a game of “bride and groom.”
They lay in bed all afternoon
And had a happy honeymoon.
Jacob watched them kiss and strip.
He taped their playful wedding trip,
Jacking while the blushing bride
Gave her clumsy groom a ride.
But when their doings got too sexy,
The old man died of apoplexy.
Tricia Peet was very fleet —
The speediest of streakers.
Tricia Peet ran up the street
In nothing but her sneakers.
Tricia’s dad was awfully mad
We saw his naked daughter,
But Tricia’s dad was also glad
That no one ever caught her.
On the occasion of Pope Benedict’s retirement
“Hail, Mary, full of grace —
What’s that white stuff on your face?
“Steady, woman! I’ll be blessed!
You seem mightily distressed.”
“Rabbi, please forgive my sin.
My husband’s seed is on my chin.
“Just now, in our marriage bed,
I gave my man a little head.”
“Woman, don’t be so perplexed.
There’s nothing wrong with oral sex.”
“But when my Joseph shot his wad,
He cried out, ‘Holy Mother of God!’
“Our little Jesus overheard.
He took his father at his word,
“And now he thinks that I gave birth
To the Lord and Savior of the Earth.”
Josie humps her pillow.
She does it every day.
She lets the sexy feelings build
And wash her clean away.
Her parents don’t dissuade her.
In fact, they both agree
That jilling off is preferable
To unplanned pregnancy.
A problem still arises, though,
From Josie’s steaming crotch:
She likes to keep the curtains up
And let the neighbors watch.
“Daddy, bounce me on your knee!
I love it when you do!”
“OK, baby, climb on up,
But first, take off your shoes.”
“Daddy, bounce me on your knee!
It feels so very keen!”
“OK, baby, climb on up,
But first, take off your jeans.”
“Daddy, bounce me on your knee!
It’s such a dreary Sunday!”
“OK, baby, climb on up,
But first, take off your undies.”
“Daddy, now my pee-pee’s bare!
Bounce me on your knee!”
“OK, baby, climb on up —
Whee! Whee! Whee!”
Debbie was a babysitter.
She worked for Steve and Mrs. Ritter.
She showed up one night at their house
In pleated skirt and cotton blouse,
A purple ribbon in her hair,
And not a scrap of underwear.
When Steve invited her to sit
She spread her knees a little bit,
Which gave the children on the floor
A sight they’d never seen before.
Steven also saw the sight
And said he’d drive her home that night.
And so things ended happily
For double Debbie’s normal fee.
After two or three glasses of gin and vermouth,
Heather’s behavior was simply uncouth.
“This party,” she said, “is a great fucking bore.”
So she took off some clothes, then she took off some more.
She climbed on a table, and everyone saw
The difficult debutante dance in the raw.
The boys and the girls were appalled at her gumption.
They said she would pay for her drunken presumption.
But Heather was queen of the popular clique.
She demanded that everyone copy her shtick.
Her minions obeyed with a nod and a wink
From the chaperones, all of whom went off to drink.
The party was saved and forever was called
The Fabulous Night When the Debutantes Balled.
The models on The Price Is Right
Who, when the show is over, frolic
Naked on the sets.
They strut across the stage in heels,
And — just to be outré —
They rub their tits and asses
On the crap they give away.
I won a boat. I won a trip.
I won a car — but drat!
All I wanted was the chance
To bid on watching that.
Kaitlyn cycled through the park
On April 17
In helmet, jersey, socks, and shoes,
And nothing in between.
Mothers shielded children’s eyes
As Kaitlyn speeded past,
Shocked to see a cyclist
So bare-legged and bare-assed.
But Kaitlyn loved the freedom
And she didn’t give a shit,
Especially when the padded saddle
Rubbed against her clit.
The breeze caressed her shaven cunt
And gave her quite a tickle
As Kaitlyn coasted swiftly
On her 24-speed cycle.
Bonnie had a bonnet,
A frilly purple cap
With tiny yellow polka dots
And shiny velvet nap.
Bonnie loved her bonnet.
She wore it everywhere,
Which struck her folks as pointless
Since the rest of her was bare.
“My bonnet’s much too pretty,”
Said Bonnie with a grin.
“The only thing it goes with
Is my pretty naked skin.”
Andy had a hard-on
That Candy spread some lard on,
Which made it very shiny
And easy on her heinie.
Beethoven, Mendelssohn, Schubert and Bach —
Lick my balls and suck my cock.
Nibble my ears and talk to me dirty.
Bartok, Stravinsky, Ravel and Debussy —
Pull down your panties and play with your pussy.
Oh when I was a virgin
I’d lie in bed and cry,
“I need a man to fill my hole
Or else I’m going to die.”
But now I’m not a virgin
And wish I were again.
In thirteen days I’ve literally
Had my fill of men.
A birder stood upon a hill
Looking for a whippoorwill.
He trained his birding telescope
Across the pond and down the slope,
And there, he caught a startled glimpse
Of half a dozen woodland nymphs,
Playing briskly — one and all —
A game of naked volleyball.
The man went home and gave his wife
The greatest shagging of her life.
Now he goes out every day
To watch the naked nymphs at play,
Comes back with a rigid rod
And gives his grateful wife a prod.
But then her mind with wonder fills —
“A hard-on for some whippoorwills!?”
My step-dad had a hard-on.
It made him want to screw.
He said, “Your mother’s out of town.
I guess you’ll have to do.”
He took me to the bedroom.
He took off all my clothes.
He said, “The time has come to learn
Where Daddy’s penis goes.”
He put it in my pussy.
It wasn’t very big.
He said, “This won’t take very long,”
And grunted like a pig.
Our daughter is fourteen years old.
It’s the most disobedient age,
So we’ve trained her to walk on a leash,
And she sleeps every night in a cage.
She eats on the floor in the kitchen
And poops in the yard when she’s done.
Clothes in the house are forbidden,
Or out in the park for a run.
We smack her behind when she’s naughty,
But she’s learning to sit up and beg,
And when she behaves we reward her
With the touch of a vibrating egg.
You might think our ways are degrading,
But we’re happy as parents can get.
Our daughter’s so easy to handle
That, really, she’s more like a pet.
The girls of Mount St. Joseph
In Flourtown, Pa.,
Observe a proud tradition
On graduation day.
They come to their commencement
In gowns of ivory, caps and shoes —
I think you know the rest.
They listen to some speeches
Replete with “do’s” and “shoulds,”
Then toss the caps and lift the gowns
And bare their girlish goods.
I take out my penis
To show all the peeps.
It gives me a thrill.
It gives them the creeps.
My daughter exposes
Her shaved pubic region,
And guys throw her money.
Injustice is legion.
On a cotton plantation a-way down South,
A slave took her master’s dick in her mouth.
His pride was inflated, his stinger was stung
By her pillowy lips and her billowy tongue,
While up at the mansion, a servant named Doc
Was serving his wife with his ebony cock.
Yet all through the land, there was much trepidation
That Lincoln would lead us to miscegenation.
The pussy is creaming
The pussy is gleaming
The pussy is screaming
For pleasure, for pleasure.
The penis is willing
The penis is filling
The penis is drilling
For treasure, for treasure.
Sylvia sat on her Sybian,
Which buzzed like a bushel of bees.
The pulsating pleasured her pussy,
And she shook from her neck to her knees.
Katya, Vanessa, and Annabelle Lee,
Three little girls by the deep blue sea,
Splash through the water up to their knees,
Kissed by the sun and touched by the breeze,
Ponytails along their backs,
And wavelets wash away their tracks.
Three little girls by the deep blue sea
As naked as three little girls can be.
Cassie has a creamy cunt,
Soft and warm and tight,
That opens like a flower
In the middle of the night.
She steals into my bedroom.
She whispers, “Mom’s asleep.”
She takes me in her creamy cunt,
Soft and warm and deep.
And much too soon I’m coming
In a never-ending jet,
Filling Cassie’s creamy cunt,
Soft and warm and wet.
Cassie has a creamy cunt,
Soft and warm and fine,
And she’s wonderfully willing
For a girl who’s only nine.
Nancy was a nudist
With a nudist Dad and Mom.
She went to Nudist High School,
Which held a nudist prom.
She had a nudist boyfriend
And nudist girlfriends, too —
A clique of natty nudists
She called her Nudist Crew.
Nancy was a nudist
Who loved her nudist fun,
So she joined a nudist convent
And became a nudist nun.
Beata was a Buddhist
Who became an avid nudist.
Of any nudist Buddhist
She was certainly the cutest,
But she feuded with the Buddhists
Who thought she was the lewdest
And became the shrewdest feudist
Of the cutest nudist Buddhists.
Ariel Stark disrobed in the park
And went for a midnight stroll.
The moon was bright, the air a delight
As she climbed to the top of the knoll.
Officer Coleman, a passing patrolman,
Spotted her flitting around,
And, drawing his club, he gave it a rub,
And scattered his seed on the ground.
Oh, my word, there’s something wrong.
This stripper’s taking much too long.
Come on, honey, what’s the deal?
What’s it take to make you peel?
Hey, you poky little slut,
Let me see your naked butt.
Give me pussy! Give me tits!
Drive me from my tempered wits.
More than just a little leg —
Please, oh please, don’t make me beg.
Drop the panties! Drop the bra!
Now you’re cooking. Oo la la!
I’ve seen many an ecdysiast,
But you’re by far the teasiest.
Wood Pussy, Wood Pussy, how do you do?
You’re just an old skunk, but I’m like you.
Guys take me out to the forest to screw,
And everyone calls me a Wood Pussy, too.
Penis envy’s such a crock.
Who needs an ugly little cock
That shoots off once and starts to soften?
Pussies let you come more often.
Tell me, Mr. Sigmund Freud,
When’s the last time you enjoyed
A climax seven minutes long
From your proud, beschnittenen schlong?
My Muschi’s wet und wunderbar,
And sometimes a penis is just a cigar.
When Jenny DeLuff struts her stuff
The boys at the beach can’t get enough.
She’s rough. She’s tough.
She’s stripped to the buff.
She’s totally tan and she shaves her muff.
None’s better at apodyopsis
Than the giant Cyclops is.
He peeks through windows stories high,
Undressing women with his eye,
And lustfully begins to stroke
A boner bigger than an oak.
Hey, you kids, get off my lawn!
And, damn it, put your clothes back on!
Prepare yourself, young lady,
For a spanking from your Dad.
You are naughty! naughty! naughty!
And you’re bad! bad! bad!
He’ll turn your tender bottom red
And set your head awhirl.
You’re a dirty! dirty! dirty!
Little girl! girl! girl!
And if you cry or whimper
He will spank you all the more.
You’re a filthy! filthy! filthy!
Little whore! whore! whore!
Wolfe Tone Patrick McManus O’Breen
Had an eye-popping penis of emerald green.
He showed it to Katharine Aileen O’Shea,
Whose bush was as red as the dawn o’ the day.
Said she, “If you don’t tell me Dad or me Ma,
I’ll show you what’s under me Erin Go bra.”
They had a few pints and an Irishman’s shag
As orange and green as the Irishmen’s flag,
Repeating with glee as they banged like a drum,
“We’re as Irish as Ireland’s Irishmen come!”
—St. Patrick’s Day, 2014
Book of dirty verse.
She trusts you’ve had a naughty time
That’s left you none the worse.
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